BILLINGSGATE POST: Going against the advice of her top adviser and alleged long-time squeeze, Huma Abedin, who is married to former New York Congressman, Carlos Danger, Hillary Clinton agreed to sit down with Dr. Viscount Billingsgate, the only man to have scored twelve doctorates and lived to talk about it. The following is a transcript of the exclusive interview:
Billingsgate: Mrs. Clinton, do you mind if I call you Crooked Hillary?
Crooked Hillary: I have a feeling this will be a short interview.
B: I feel you warming up to me. Do you mind if I put my codpiece on your coffee table?
CH: Sure. Bill does it all the time.
B: Thank you. Let's go to the next question. There are people out there, and you know who they are, that claim that you have never worn a dress, even to formal White House dinners. Is there any truth to that?
CH: Some. Let me explain. As you have probably heard from some of your sources, Bill has always had trouble keeping his pants on. I felt that someone had to wear the pants in this family. It just as well be me.
B: Is there any truth to the story that you got so mad at Bill that you threw a vase at him? One of the Secret Service agents said that they were worried that you might harm the president. Why did you get so angry?
CH: I caught the cheating bastard in bed with one of my best friends. That wouldn't have been so bad, but he was wearing one of my pantsuits. Said it made him feel more masculine.
B: Do you throw right-handed, or are you a southpaw?
CH: I have always considered myself ambidextrous. I can go both ways.
B: Do you remember Vince Foster?
CH: Yeah. Too bad about Vince. I still wonder what really happened to him. I am sure those individuals who are part of the vast far right conspiracy think I had something to do with Vince's untimely death.
B: Even some of your friends think so.
CH: I guess I should scratch them off my Christmas card list.
B: About Benghazi. Do you still feel that it doesn't make any difference whether it was a gaggle of geeks lighting off firecrackers in the middle of the night, or a well trained platoon of terrorists, armed with mortars and automatic weapons, who killed the Ambassador and the other three men?
CH: As far as I know, if you're dead you're dead. What the f..ks the difference?
B: Before we end this interview, do you have any redeeming characteristic that you would like the American public to know about you that might surprise them?
CH: No. Not that I can think of.
B: Thank you, Crooked Hillary.
NOTE: Copies of this interview will probably not be available after a few hours due to heavily armed drone activity outside my office.