John Kerry 'Accidentally' Nukes The Onion, Sky Doesn't Fall In (1/2)

Funny story written by TM_Dealer

Wednesday, 14 October 2015


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Notable public figure, hilariously swiftboated, um, SWIFTBOAT political celebrity and darling of the MSNBC broadcasting-apologetical complex John Kerry…

Well, he's just made yet another honest mistake in a somewhat lengthy line of honest mistakes.

John Kerry has put his hermeneutical philosophy of 'The Constitution is a living document' into practice via a creative reinterpretation of the First Amendment…

By blowing the crap out of The Onion with a nuclear warhead, purely because he didn't like what they were saying about him.

For the first time in US State Department history, the decision was a rather erratic or even irrational one.

Well, yeah! I mean, most satire outlets have been much, much, much more critical of this all-American hero than The Onion.

Even if any conceivable list may (or may not) be a little selective… like (or unlike) Hillary Clinton's release of emails.

Depends on how you look at it, I suppose.

Or not?

Still, it's not the first time John Kerry has threatened to commit a brave act of radical foreign policy performance theatre by submitting a notable satire outlet to humanitarian liquidation. But I won't post any evidence here, in case the NSA are watching. (Nope! Not the GOP kind of 'NSA!')

And Kerry is always sending 'unspecified threats' to a certain notable satire outlet.

Still, Kerry has finally flipped his shit, flip-flopped about his targets, and nuked The Onion.

Or did he?

Sheesh, that shit's getting real old…

Well, no, it's not.


Yeah, it's REALLY NOT.

Apparently Kerry was pissed at a pathetically sycophantic puff-piece about him in the Onion. Nah! I'm not going to quote it. I mean, these guys are not exactly The Spoof, are they?

Still, off the top of my head, I imagine the scene in the Pentagon as follows (so in that case, I've already outstripped Fox/MSNBC in truthy terms by some distance):

I guess, from one perspective, no shameless flattery is bad shameless flattery, and The Onion have performed such a great and noble service for American democracy and the entire freedom and wellbeing of the entire Cosmos, unto the boundless ages and ages of everlasting eternity…

That there is nothing in the immortal and beauteous imaginations of Dante Alighieri, John Bunyan, Michelangelo, Adi Shankara or Guru Nanak, that could even begin to touch upon the matchless and eternal bliss and felicity that The Onion have infinitely, and without qualification, and without any uncongenial caveats on clunky syntax from a notable All-America-Hero, deserved and earned.

But the other side of this dilemma, which is equally true, and of equal strategic importance, is that these contemptible, degenerate, morally bankrupt assholes are the absolute scum of the Earth, they are immeasurably worse than ISIS, and they should be wiped off the face of the Earth in the most utterly remorseless and callous way possible!

No! I'm pressing this button! This one time, I'm not gonna change my mind!


Oh, wait… do you think this is maybe a little bit imprudent.

Well, no… very imprudent indeed.'

Actually no, it's not bad at all! This is it! BANG!!!

Oh…. Oh wait, or is it?

Well, I'm not sure if I should have…

Hey, do you think we could kind of like, you know, recall the missile I've just launched? You know, like when all those Republican guys have to recall a flirty Craiglist message…

OK, well I guess non-Reps do that too, right?

Well no, not in precisely the same way, maybe?

Recall it? Non-recall it? Non-non-recall it?

No? You mean no-yes or no-no?

Oh. Shit. I've really f***'d up, haven't I? This is a complete disaster, right?

Nah. On second thoughts, maybe it isn't…

Who cares! I'm going to grab a cappuccino.

Or maybe a whiskey.

Swings and roundabouts?

Well… maybe not.

Well hey, it's all semantics, right?

Hmm… maybe.

Or… well, anyhoo!

How have some prominent global powerholders have reacted to this entirely inconsequential and trivial event?

No, just this once, I'm not being ironic. Yes, it is ENTIRELY inconsequential and trivial. I mean it's only The Onion, after all!

Global reactions to John Kerry's recent principled and well-meaning act of humanitarian intervention have been mixed. He may have wiped the illegitimately respected and unaccountably venerated amateur satire editorial regime of The Onion off the face of the earth, but this alone hasn't enabled him to win more friends to influence.

We'll start off with interviewing two prominent figures from the international community first, because these are the important guys (or at least, so they claim). We'll then move out to get a broader perspective. Join us next time.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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