A pound of flesh: celebs who've insured parts of themselves

Written by Gee Pee

Monday, 24 February 2014


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Lloyd's of London has insured Holly Madison's boobs for $1 million; there's no word as to whether she'd be paid $500,000 if something happened to just one of them. Her breasts' starring role in Peepshow prompted her to take out the policy. "People sure weren't watching me because I'm a great actress," she admits, "and I realized that, without my best assets--make that my only assets--I could become a has-been before I was ever a star."

Madonna has Madison beat, though: the has-been singer has insured her rocker's knockers for $2 million. She wanted to insure them for $12 million, but she was turned down. "You're a boob," she was told, "but you're not that big a boob, not anymore."

Country songbird Dolly Parton sports a whopping pair of 40DDs, and it's they, more than her alleged ability to sing, that support her in the manner to which she's become accustomed. "They're my best assets," she croons. However, Dolly is realistic; she knows she can't expect to insure her hooters for the same amount as a younger woman like Madison has; consequently, Dolly has insured her treasure chest for a paltry $600,000.

She's not the only celeb to insure part of her package. Model and Fashion Runaway "hostess with the mostest" Heidi Klum has insured her gorgeous gams for a cool $2.2 million. If anything should knock her off her pins, London's Phillips De Pury would have to pony up. She insured her left leg for less that her right because "it's damaged goods," bearing a scar from her early years as a BDSM enthusiast. "It's well worth it," she says, to have insured her legs, because "who'd hire me at my age if I lost my classy chassis? Besides, just the fact that I've insured them gives me a leg up in the modeling business."

Others who have insured their legs include Rihanna ($1), Mariah Carey ($1), and Tina Turner ($3.2 million). When it's time to retire from the entertainment business, they can take well-wisher's words of encouragement literally and "break a leg."

Kylie Minogue thinks a lot of her bottom half, having insured it for $5 million; however, Jennifer Lopez is so enamored of her own derriere that she has insured her buttocks for $300 million! That's a lot of wiggle for the buck!

America Ferrera has insured her smile for $10 million, because as an Aquafresh Toothpaste model, she thinks it wise to put her money where he mouth is because her mouth is where her money is. Julia Roberts has her smile insured for three times the amount, which works out to about $937,500. per tooth, assuming she still has all her ivories. Maybe Monica Lewinsky should have her mouth insured, too.

Rumor has it that porn star Daniel Arthur Mead, who goes, quite rightly, by the stage name Long Dong Silver, has insured his manly moneymaker for $3 million against a range of possible disasters: Sexually transmitted diseases, impotence, ow sperm count, phimosis, balantis, and priapism among them. "It would be hard," he quips, "to earn a living as a stud without the requisite equipment."

Insiders report that Ellen DeGeneres has insured parts of her body--yes, those parts--for about what it would cost to buy a Malibu mansion. "Insuring my nether parts is expensive, sure," the comedienne quips, "but you can't put a price on love."

"Or sex," Portia De Rossi adds, with a wink.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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