Nick Clegg responds angrily to ignorant letter

Funny story written by Nathan O'Neill

Monday, 24 September 2012

Nick Clegg has responded angrily to an open letter today.

The tweeted link read:

I know that you probably won't read this, but I will feel a whole lot better about things once I have said this......

You, Nick Clegg, are a man of no substance! A vacuous human being and a mere husk of a politician. A man who wishes simply to be important and successful, rather than hold any beliefs. A man who knows very well that political ideologies are just obstacles to career advancement!

I remember the excitement in your horrible little face back in 2010, when you were making those explicit promises that you had no intention of keeping. Your manipulation was shameless - you knew what the British people wanted and your pledges mimicked their desires ad verbatim. I take great solace in the fact that you will never be forgiven for this and that no-one will ever trust a word you say again. Every decision and promise you have ever made has been driven by self interest and you now represent every thing that is, and ever has been wrong with politics. You are the complete antithesis of a politician; A man looking to improve his own existence at the expense of the people he is employed to serve.

Being the son of a millionaire banker, you are clearly a very wealthy man; a man who has never understood financial difficulties. A man that could easily afford to pay for things such as improvements to his second house. However, you still chose to exploit your expenses to the tune of £80,000, ensuring that it was the British tax payers who coughed up. Whilst the objection to the expenses scandal has been laboured to the point of impotency, it is important to bring this up in order to highlight the type of man you are; not a man of the people, a man who will take as much as he can get! What made this worse though, was the fact that you had the audacity to try and justify this exploitation by stating that your second home was hardly a 'palatial residence' and that after all, you weren't the only one doing it.

Your painfully contrived apology last week was the most patronising thing I have ever heard! The fact that you think this could alleviate the ridicule and vitriol being aimed at you would be laughable, if it wasn't an affront on our intelligence. You are a complete joke, Nick! You are a man who couldn't care less what direction our country is driving, as long as you are in the passenger seat. You'll be happy as long as you can just sit there in your Robin costume, doing that awful smile you do, wagging your tail and nodding your head at everything Cameron says.

You are a complete embarrassment to this country. To make it even more cringeworthy, now that you have a had a taste of the pseudo power your current position offers, you will surrender every last shred of your dignity to try and keep hold of it. I just hope that your party quickly isolates you, when they realise that the damage you are doing to their reputation could be irreparable.

What is a real shame, is that despite the fact your political career is now a write-off, you have still done incredibly well for yourself out of life. You will be comfortable for the rest of your days and will never want for anything. What will help me sleep tonight though, is that fact that your legacy, if you are fortunate enough to be remembered, will be: ''Nick Clegg - the man who couldn't and didn't.''

No regards,

Member of your electorate

Within an hour of this link being tweeted, Nick had gone out of his way to reply publicly.

Who are you? How dare you attempt to judge me as a politician when you probably never even studied at Oxbridge? How can you judge me as a person when you don't even know me? My Dad may be wealthy, but he doesn't pay for anything for me now. He only helped me buy my first home, since then I have had my second home and every other luxury funded by my well deserved parliamentary expenses. So I think that you should get your facts straight before you use him in your attempt to taunt me.

I have done more than any other man before me for the advancement of the Liberal Democrats! I have taught them the ability to be pragmatic in times of crisis and to forget every principle they have ever held. This has enabled them to excel more than ever before.

I was wrong to promise everyone what I did, I accept that and have apologised accordingly. It is time to now move on and get on with our lives. Everything I say from now on will be true and I will never promise anything again for a little while now.

Your insistence on living in the past is clearly a problem for you. It says a lot about you as a person that you waste your time remembering every little thing I say. You should maybe get yourself a more constructive hobby.

As to your ridiculous suggestion that I wear a Robin costume when I call shotgun in David's car; this has never happened - you clearly believe too much of what you read. Also, if there did happen to be a fancy dress party and me and David were to both dress up as Batman and Robin, I would not necessarily be Robin. In fact, if I asked him nicely if I could wear a Batman costume, I actually don't think he would say no.

The power that I have been given; as joint leader of the country, is a responsibility that I take very seriously. I only hope that there remains a shortfall in faith for both parties in the next election. This way, I can continue to be one of the most important people in British politics and carry on promising to change lives such as your own.

In time, you will learn, like every one else will, that I am here to stay and you need to get behind me.


Nick Clegg:(D)Prime Minister

After his reply, Nick was backed by 2 members of the twitter community.
@MiriamClegg tweeted That's right, Nick! don't let these idiots get in the way of what you're doing #headheldhighClegg

@ChrisHuhne also tweeted his support. Cowardly attack on you, Nick! Don't let people like this get in the way of all your good work!#NickCleggisthefuture.

The authorities have been notified about the content of the offending tweet - they released the following statement: 'We are aware of a twitter link of an extremely offensive nature being sent to a 45 year old male. We will be investigating swiftly.'

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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