London - Deputy Prime Monster Nick Clegg has blamed 'bastards' in the Lords for failure to abolish the illegitimate and anachronistic House of Commons.
Speaking to reporters at a lunchtime briefing Lord Clegg described how he'd successfully infiltrated the Upper House.
"Frankly, it's all been a bit agent provocateur, if you ask me," Clegg hinted enigmatically, "all those ermine-lined knickers and velvet-trimmed cuffs.
"Still, knoblesse oblige as we say in Vladivostock!"
The massive climbdown comes amid months of national ridicule that parodied Clegg as a pathetic conspiracy-peddling arse.
Last December's clanger by David Cameron saw the feckless tosspot outed as yet another of the PM's brothers - all sons of Tony B Liar.
"It's not like we're brothers!" Cameron said at PMQs despite backbenchers' shouts of 'Bollocks!' and other ripostes.
The siblings have David Beckham and Andy Murray as their half-brothers - as well as 'Little Miss Muffet' Rebekah Brooks as one of their secret baby sisters.
"You can tell they're all siblings, like," a QM-NewsCorpse source said today, "they've all had radical surgery to remove horns that run in the Blair-Hitler genome."
Tonight Clegg remains holed up in his taxpayer-funded grace and favor bolthole as Tory backbenchers hail the massive climbdown.
The Duke of Chernobyl is 69.
