Aborted baby: No big deal

Funny story written by Billy Joe Jim Bob

Wednesday, 16 May 2012


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Shanghai, China (SAPP) - Using a new technology developed in Huashan Hospital in Shanghai, China, researchers have shown conclusively that fetuses prefer abortion. After studying 3,666 fetuses, Dr. Tan Jun and fellow doctors in the abortion department of Huashan Hospital concluded that over 91% of them preferred abortion.

During the grueling research, Dr. Tan and his team of experts designed a modified "antagonism routine" that would give undisputable results. Based on the 4-year study, doctors who perform abortions are now happy to recommend the procedure to wary patients.

"It's really the best outcome for everyone." Says Wu Wei, an abortionist in Shanghai. "I love the fact that I can kill fetuses and make even the little baby happy when I do it. Not to mention this is the best for society and the Chinese government. I love aborting babies now. I highly recommend it to everyone. I even make a point of telling people I don't even know how abortion is changing lives for the better."

According to the study, conducted under strict government oversight, when a fetus is about 15 to 20 weeks gestation, it is able to respond to signals via the mother's tummy. As soon as a fetus is responding to signals by kicking, the fetus and mother are entered into the program for studying the fetus's response to stimuli. The researchers then ask "questions" to the fetus using electrical and manual signals to which the fetus "answers" by using its feet and hands to poke at mommy's tummy.

"I enjoy being in the study a lot. I am so glad the study will end with a free abortion, because it gives me such joy to kill off a baby that wants to die anyway," says Wang Li, a recent study participant. Ms. Wang went on to say that she has seen first hand how happy the baby gets when death by brain crushing is mentioned by the research team. "My baby gets really excited. I can't wait for the abortion because my little baby can't wait, either."

The way the researchers communicate with the fetus entails bumping into the fetus's head or body parts and waiting for a response. If the baby excitedly kicks back, this is taken as a clear and obvious sign the baby wants more. As the bumps and thumps get rougher, the fetus will usually (91% of the time) get more and more "excited." The same sort of things happens with electrical impulses.

"We shock the fetuses to see how they react," opines Dr. Tan. "When the shocks are strong, the fetus usually replies with what we call the 'strong positive response' which equates to being in love with the shock. Although shocking a fetus to death is not legal at this time, we intend to one day shock the daylights out of babies to kill them humanely. We know that abortion will someday be a simple matter of a cord, a transformer, and about 10 minutes of a mother's time at a wall outlet. She will be able to abort a baby faster than she could change its diapers were it to be born."

With all of this technology available to the Chinese abortionist, the authors of this study intend to expand the positive outreach to mothers carrying potential recipients of abortion. "We set out to prove that babies, when given the choice, will choose abortion. We are very happy with the results." Incidentally, of the other 9% of those tested, 100% of those were accidentally terminated by the study's thumping, bumping, and shocking. This means that it is possible that all of them, if given the chance, would have agreed with their fellow abortees that death is preferable to floating around aimlessly in amniotic fluid. The study is to be published on Friday in Abortion Now Weekly, a journal published by the state-run Every Child Left Behind Department.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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