I Always Wanted to be a Serial Killer

Funny story written by SLee

Wednesday, 7 March 2012


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Okay, here's the thing, I always want to be a serial killer but never had the stomach for it. Don't ask me why. The only answer I can come up with is because of the way they are glamorized in the news and on television these days. That and, you know how we all fantasize about killing people that just plain piss us off? Well, I could never come up with ways that would be suitable to me. I mean, I really have a weak stomach and couldn't deal with the blood and gore that comes with actually killing people. Really, I can't even image it without making myself nauseas. So, what kind of serial killer would I make?

I remember watching a movie on TV years ago about a sweet, innocent house wife becoming a serial killer to protect her family. It was very amusing but I don't think I could even do the things that she did. Run people over with my car, not once but run them down, back over them and run the down again? Yeah right, not me. Just feeling the thump, thump under the wheels would be enough to make me hurl. I would have to find a much less personal way of doing things, a way that I wouldn't even have to be there or even when I heard about it on the news, it wouldn't send me praying to the porcelain god for the next three days.

I know what you're thinking, how can you be a serial killer when you can't handle a little blood and gore. Well, I suppose that's exactly why I'm not a serial killer. But, I think I could be. No really. Give me a minute or two and I'll give you some examples of ways that I might actually be able to do away with some of my nemesis.

Now before you go nuts and call the cops or FBI, let's make sure you understand that this is all fantasy. We all have them so don't sit there and try to deny that you have never fantasized about killing somebody. Whether it be your boss, co-worker, ex lover, ex lovers new boyfriend/ girlfriend, in-law, neighbor, your neighbor's dog, whoever it might be, we've all done it so don't judge me!

Okay, so let's see if there are some nonviolent ways to be a serial killer. Can you really kill somebody with kindness? I am one of the kindest people I know but don't recall anybody dropping dead from it yet, so I don't think that really works. Darn it! I knew it couldn't be that simple. There must be other ways. Think. Think.

I remember when I was a kid and got caught doing something I wasn't supposed to be doing, my excuse was always, well so and so does it, and my mother would always ask me, if so and so jumped off a cliff would you jump too? So that being said, I suppose it would be too much to ask for my enemies to follow me off a cliff, besides that would kind of defeat the purpose, don't you think?

I read a story about a couple of men having a little fun by shooting spit balls at each other through straws. One of them thought he wasn't getting enough power behind his shots so he retrieved a nail gun he used on his construction job. He loaded it with cigarette butts and toilet paper spitballs behind them. He was actually charged with manslaughter after killing his friend by shooting him just above the heart several times with the cigarette/toilet paper bullets. Hum, is this a method I could use? No I don't think so. For one I don't have a nail gun and can't see going to the expense of purchasing one when I don't even know how to use one. Besides, who but a man would put toilet paper in their mouth to create a spitball? Moving on.

I heard about a man in London that laughed himself to death while watching his favorite TV show. Apparently, it caused him to have a heart attack, and get this, his wife supposedly sent the TV station a thank you letter for making her husband's last moments enjoyable. Now this could be a method I could use, if only I were that funny. But, I don't think I could take getting a thank you note, oh the guilt. Wait a minute! Serial killers don't feel guilt or remorse for their actions. This might work!

How about killing by fatigue? There was a South Korean man that died from fatigue after playing a video game for fifty consecutive hours. Now if I could only invent a video game that my rivals would be willing to play for hours on end. Heck, if I could do that, I would be rich and could afford to have my own personal serial killer. You know, kind of like a personal assistant. Yeah that's what I would call them.

Another thought would be to put black widow spiders into somebody's food. When they heated the food, it would kill the spiders and they would never know they were in there. The venom from the spiders would be enough to kill somebody but where are the spiders going to come from? I'm certainly not going to catch them! Not only that but, I'm not willing to cook dinner for myself let alone cook for somebody else. Ew. Let me say that one more time with real feeling, ew!

I watched a special on TV the other night that showed scientists are now claiming that if a person is born with certain areas of the brain that do not function normally, and are born with particular types of DNA tags, they could be apt to become serial killers. Now, the scientists did determine that not all people born with these abnormalities are prone to be serial killers. There are other factors that have to be considered as well. Most of these other factors come from our childhoods and the way we were raised along with our tendencies, such as; if we have an over protective mother or an overbearing, strict father who was abusive, whether or not we were cruel to animals, and possibly a bed wetter.

As I watched this TV show, I began to wonder if I had areas of my brain that were shut off or if I was born with what they were calling the "monster gene". Then I started thinking about my childhood. I am getting kind of old which makes it hard to remember that far back but I believe I had a fairly happy childhood as far as the way I was raised. I did get teased a lot in school because I have always been different but I would think if that was going to cause me to be a serial killer, I would have been pushing kids down the stairs at school instead of going home and hiding out in my bedroom talking to my stuffed animals. Speaking of stuffed animals, I couldn't even rip their heads off when I was angry, so there is no way I could have been cruel to real animals. Heck, as much as I hate spiders, I won't even kill one. I would rather risk the creepy thing crawling up my arm while I scoop it onto a piece of paper or magazine so I can put it outside.

So after racking my brain, I have come to the conclusion that there really are not any ways that I could come up with to use as my emmo as a serial killer. So I will continue to fantasize about people I do not like being done away with, without any real means of how this would actually happen. How pathetic am I? Which brings us back to the beginning, I always wanted to be a serial killer but don't have the stomach for it.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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