New Year's Resolution Suggestions For Some Famous and Infamous Celebrities

Funny story written by Abel Rodriguez

Wednesday, 28 December 2011


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Fireworks from Lady Gaga's 2011 New Year's Party in which she dressed up as a Roman Candle. (Photo by V.P. Joe Biden).

Every new year, millions of people make New Year's resolutions which they fully intend to keep.

Some people resolve not to drink as much, or smoke as much, or make fun of the faults of their spouses, significant others, or love interests.

Many of these New Year's promises have actually lasted as long as four or five weeks, most however do have a tendency of falling by the wayside within 48 hours.

Hollywood celebrities are notorious for making New Year's resolutions and breaking them just as quickly as some change partners.

Charlie Sheen for example last year said that he would be filming Two and A Half Men until he was into his 50s.

Jennifer Lopez said that her and husband Marc Anthony would be having at least six more children and Whoopi Goldberg said that after 20 years she would finally be chopping off her dreaded dreadlocks.

But as the notorious barbarian Attila the Hun once said 1,561 years ago "Hey folks, New Year's resolutions are made to be broken."


  1. Kim Kardashian - To put out a new line of perfume called Kim Kardashian's Eau Du Con Job.
  2. Jennifer Lopez - To buy lots and lots of candy for all of her future boy toys.
  3. Gary Busey - To try and make an effort to string together at least four words that all kinda make some sort of sense.
  4. Steven Tyler - To purchase a lip reducing balm so that he does not injure girlfriend Kate Gosselin when he French kisses her.
  5. LeAnn Rimes - To eat a burger, a McNugget, a taco, or any kind of food with lots of calories.
  6. Heidi Montag - To as soon as humanly possible go out and purchase a copy of the best selling book - The Dangers of Plastic.
  7. Jim Carrey - To finally admit that he now needs a name tag.
  8. Britney Spears - To stop saying that she will never again lip sync because she knows very well that she cannot help but lip sync - it's in her blood.
  9. Nicole Scherzinger - To try and cut back on her three-a-day Kleenex box habit.
  10. Howard Stern - To insist that he sit next to Howie Mandel on America's Got Talent so that he can touch the germ freaks face and body every chance he gets.
  11. Donald Trump - To buy a friggin mirror that enlarges things by 300 percent so that he can see exactly how utterly ridiculous his hairdo actually is.
  12. Ricky Gervais - To finally admit that it is probably a damn good idea to go ahead and purchase that one way ticket back to jolly olde England.
  13. Madonna - To realize once and for all that the train left the station years, and years, and years ago (toot-toot).
  14. Lady Gaga - To view life-size posters of all of the weird ass costumes she wore throughout the past year so she can see exactly what everyone had to put up with.
  15. Shakira - The 124 mile-per-hour belly dancing singer is just fine the way she is.
  16. Jack Nicholson - To sell off his Los Angeles Lakers front-row season tickets and purchase front-row season tickets to the Los Angeles Clippers .
  17. Miley Cyrus - To come to the realization that lap dancing is not really any kind of a talent whatsoever.
  18. Paula Abdul - See #9.
  19. Chelsea Handler - To stop using so many damn four-letter words because it just makes her sound like she's a cheap, uneducated, white, hip hop, rapper with a vagina.
  20. Willie Nelson - To cut back on the Durango Bango and Lone Star Beer and replace it with Twizzlers and Big Red Zero.

May everyone have a safe, prosperous, and
Happy New Year!

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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