'Christmas With A Polished Turd'

Funny story written by mothyspace

Friday, 23 December 2011


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Well dear reader, another year has rolled over us like a Mac Truck driven by a hairy Swedish lesbian! The earth has spun on its axis taking us from horn-bags in bikinis to horn-bags in winter jumpsuits and then back again.

Sitting at the local the other day, I was spit balling with my mates what Christmas at the Lodge would be like. I can picture Julia Gillard sitting in the dining room staring off vacantly into outer space. Bob Brown sitting next to her crapping on about how his banana and brandy desert is to die for.

Then there's the insipidly annoying visage of Bill Shorten and that other Saudi Arabian Senator whose name alludes me all tucking into taxpayer funded tucker.

It has been an incredible year! Queensland survived the floods, Anna Bligh got her last poll boost and cried her final tears. Malcolm Turnball stalked the halls of power dreaming of being Opposition Leader again.

Hoping of-cause that the Liberal Party's poll numbers would hold up long enough for him to sliver into office.

Then there's Tony Abbott! He clobbered everyone in his path and now the Government has held out an olive branch on 'taxi drivers and assembly workers'. That guy is like the politicians version of Hulk Hogan.

He just kept Jools in the headlock all year and finally her political spine snapped. Brilliant if you ask me!

Steve Jobs died, poor bastard. Apparently it wasn't cancer as the media reported. He overdosed on Iphone apps and stayed up 150 hours straight playing the angry birds game. Enough to kill even the most hardened nerdlinger.

Then there's me Les Patterson Junior. Fresh off my success as a Junior Diplomat in Saudi Arabia, I returned to Australia in one of the most turbulent years in the Mid East ever! As soon as I left, the joint broke out out in violent revolution! Egypt, Syria, Turkey, it was as if a rabies infested monkey launched into the pants of every theocracy in the region and refused to get out!

The timing of my departure makes me think my foreign affairs were holding the place together! The important thing to remember is the unequivocally wretched torpor of that Christmas Dinner at the Lodge in Canberra.

Just keep thinking Christmas with a polished turd and you get the gist. Then there's Kevin "He Ain't Heavy" Rudd.

Journos from here to buggery filled the final newspaper columns of the year with speculation as to whether Kevvie is gonna challenge Jools in the New Year. I mean seriously, who really wants to go on that Magical Mystery Tour again? Not me!

I'm certainly not keen to be taken away again on the S.S. Shit-storm. It was bad enough the first time! By comparison Christmas with the 'polished turds' would be far more entertaining.

In closing I'd like to wish you all a Drunken Christmas and a hung and/or hung over New Year.

With so many new career opportunities opening up to me, I'm thinking about heading to Hollywood to write some movies and maybe even try and score with Angelina Jollies. That's one tomb I'd like to raid. Anyway, till next time, keep smiling Australia.

LesPJnr writes from Sydney, Australia and wishes all readers a very merry Xmas and a very congenital new year.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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