The Tricks of Tabloid Journalism Revealed

Funny story written by Stiff Writer

Friday, 15 July 2011

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Could you too be an investigative journalist?

Former News of the World journalist Baryl Scrape reveals the secrets of being a top tabloid news reporter.

Until the paper was closed recently, I was a top journalist at the News of the World. To make it as a top news reporter you have to be able to break the stories that no-one else is even aware of, its all about being the first on the scene, otherwise you're just playing catch-up with yesterday's news. To get those juicy exclusives you need to conduct what we in the trade call investigative journalism.

During my time at News International's flagship Sunday paper I was behind such great headlines as THONG BUT NOT FORGOTTEN - Jade Goody Buried In Skimpy Underwear and the award winning series MEDICAL RECORDS OF THE RICH AND FAMOUS.

For the first time ever I can now reveal the tricks of the trade. Here are my top tips for the journalistic methods that will allow you to get those exclusive stories. Just follow these tips and you too could succeed at one of Rupert Murdoch's quality tabloid newspapers, or even become a close aide to the Prime Minister, David Cameron!

  1. Put on a wetsuit and dive into the cess pit of a celebrity's home - this is how I got the great story BOXING PROMOTER'S TOXIC FLOATERS! Fantastic journalism!
  2. Bribe postmen and read letters to soldiers' families before they are delivered. You'll get a GREAT scoop when someone dies - quality journalism that you can be proud of!
  3. Funerals are the perfect time to break into a terrorism victim's home and rifle through their underwear drawers - the public NEVER tire of a good UNDIES story!
  4. Dig up the graves of teenage murder victims and get some SIZZLING photographs! PHWOAR!
  5. Most importantly, deny all knowledge of the above activities if the police or a parliamentary select committee ask you about them, and make sure you destroy any incriminating documents or emails!

Baryl Scrape won multiple awards for his exclusive news stories while working as a News of the World reporter between 2002 to 2011. He has now made the short trip up the Thames from Wapping to Wandsworth, where he is residing at Her Majesty's pleasure.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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