Secret Email from Carolyn Bourne to Rebekah Wade Revealed

Funny story written by sailingby

Wednesday, 13 July 2011


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When angry mother Carolyn Bourne wrote to her daughter in law she got more than she bargained for in global press attention. Revelations that she also wrote to News International executive Rebekah Wade this week look set to embarrass her further.

When she wrote the email, she had no idea that the contents of the email were going to be passed around the internet.

The contents though, make interesting reading:

Dear Ms Wade,

It is high time someone explained to you about good manners. Yours are obvious by their absence and I feel sorry for you.

Unfortunately for Britain, 7.5 million readers fell in love with your newspaper despite the fact that it was always a rather vicious and unpleasant publication. It is a sad testament to the quality of our education system that many British people have based their understanding of current affairs on your faux moralistic approach to reporting.

I gather it is not easy to reason with you, and that you prefer to address your staff in the presence of security personnel.

It may just be possible that by writing I may be able to get through to you. I do hope so. Your behaviour in refusing to resign when the it became clear that the newspaper you edited was breaking the law to obtain stories was staggering in its uncouthness and lack of grace.

Unfortunately, this was not the first example of bad manners Britain has experienced from you.

If you want to be accepted by the wider British family I suggest you take some guidance from experts with utmost haste. There are plenty of finishing schools around. You would be an ideal candidate for the Ladette to Lady television series.

Please, for your own good, for Britain's sake, and in the interests of common decency, do something as soon as possible.

Here are a few examples of your lack of manners, and events that appear to have happened on 'your watch':

- Employing private detectives on contract to hack into private telephone messages on an massive scale.

- Paying cash to police officers to disclose confidential information about the Royal Family including their private telephone numbers.

- Paying cash to police officers to disclose details of ongoing investigations.

- Listening to and using the messages left on the phones of individuals that have been victims of violent crime and even terrorism.

- Deleting the voicemail messages from a mobile phone that belonged to an abducted teenage girl.

- Obfuscating and thereby leading police detectives to believe an internal investigation had found no evidence of further wrongdoing in News International.

- Employing a law firm to 'cover up' the evidence discovered in your own internal review.

- Using 'blaggers' to call banks, building societies and HMRC to elicit private financial information about individuals.

You should never ever insult the British people by pretending that you were unaware of these practices whilst you were editor, or that you really believed this was the work of one 'rogue' individual. I gather you claimed that this was the case, but the reaction to this in the pub I go to was one of shock, not laughter.

You should have hand-written a resignation letter the moment this came to light.

You regularly draw attention to yourself. Perhaps you should ask yourself why. No-one gets married in the presence of Jeremy Clarkson, without being justly accused of brash, celebrity style behaviour.

One might have been accused of thinking that Rupert Murdoch had caught a most eligible young lady. I pity even Rupert.


Carolyn Bourne

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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