Written by Piersy

Wednesday, 24 February 2010

S: Hello, hello, hello

P: Hi, Simon, Piers here-how are things in LA?

S: Wonderful!! It is sunny and warm outside and in my heart. I just can't stop smiling. How are things in London, Piers?

P: Er - rainy and cold

S: You know M has moved in with me, and we enjoy every minute together. I guess you know what that's like since Whatshername is living with you now, right?

P. Er, um.

S: Do your boys still come over most weekends?

P: Er, um

S: I think the only one happier than me right now is my Mum. She and M hit it off right away, and she is just so happy I am finally getting married. Is your Mum the same way-happy to see you getting married again? Of course there is the religion issue for your Mum, but it is not like you are going to raise her grandchildren as atheists.

P: Er, um

S: I thought M might want me to quit smoking, but she tells me she loves me just the way I am, and I don't have to change anything for her - can wear the jeans and t-shirts, even gain weight if I want. She even likes my hair!

P: Uh, yes, um.

S: And she loves me for myself, not my money or fancy cars or connections or social standing, or fame or any of those things. Great isn't it?

P: Um, yes.

S: Just got M some gorgeous flowers this morning. She loves beautiful things like flowers and jewelry since her childhood in Afghanistan was so miserable and poor. She has not had an easy life or much money, so I am happy to be able to give her beautiful things. Great to see her eyes sparkle, you know?

P: Er, um.

S: Did you see that gorgeous ring I bought her?

P: Er, um -yes, it was beautiful.

S: She loves it-shows it to everyone.

P: Er, um

S: I met her parents last week. I wanted to formally ask for her hand. They are great people, and we got along like a house afire. They are really happy with our plans,

P: Er,um

S: M was a little worried they might be too plebeian for me, but I am too, and we have a similar background, and we all had a few beers together.

P: Er, um

S: They were very happy and gave me complete consent to marry their daughter and be part of the family. Have you met with your future in-laws? Are they happy to have you in the family? I guess they were happy to have you buy their house.

P: Er, um

S: We are planning to get married right after BGT is done. Going to have a big church wedding. Mum will love it. Can't be soon enough. Do you have a date in mind yet? Are you doing one of those nature weddings?

P: Er, um

S: I do want to get a pre-nup signed. It will make things easier just in case something goes wrong-not that I think that is likely, but it saves a long drawn out ordeal-like the one you had for your first divorce. Are you doing that.

P:Er, um- I have set up some trust accounts for my sons.

S: M wants religious songs at our wedding, and I was thinking about asking Susan Boyle to sing for us. I definitely want her at the wedding because she helped bring us together. She made a big difference in my life. Yours too, I bet

P: Er, um. Have you talked to Susan lately, Simon? I was wondering how she is doing.

S: I talked to her briefly last week, just to congratulate her on how well her personal appearances are going. She was at my house in London not too long ago, when I was sick. She actually came to see M, as they got to be friends when they worked together for a bit. They are both very sweet, warm ladies. Nothing beige and boring about either one of them either. They lifted my spirits quite a bit.

P: Er, um

S: M is a beautiful woman, but it is so nice that everyone just tells me about how warm and nice and sweet she is-not about how she looks. Makes me glad I didn't just settle for the first good-looking woman I saw.

P: Er, um

S: I need to find a man for Susan-at least an escort, so the four of us can go out to dinner and have lots of good laughs together sometimes.

P: Er, well, I…

S: Have you talked to Susan lately, Piers?

P: Er, um

S: Oh that's right. She Who Must Be Obeyed doesn't like you talking to Susan.

P:Er, um.

S: I remembered how excited you were by that 7 foot dominatrix we had on AGT, and how disappointed you were when she turned out to be much shorter and not a dom.

P: Er, um.

S: Have to go now, Piers. M is flirting with me, and I have to hug and kiss her a lot. You know how it is when you just have to smile and hug and touch all the time - even if a whole live audience is watching.

P: Er, um YES. Bye, Simon.

S: And I really hope you and Susan are as happy as M and I are. Oops, did I say Susan? How did that happen? Of course I meant Whatshername.

Bye, Piers.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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