Arthur Bowdinsky, Director of Classical Studies at Clavichord University released his findings on Tuesday regarding the structure of music as language, turning the world upside down.
Bowdinsky discovered that if a person concentrates on a specific formula they will cease to hear the music, and the sound is replaced by conversation. His discovery proves that the mathematical quality of music allows for a truly universal language as speakers of different tongues all report understanding the same things.
Of course, it is never exactly like spoken language, but it is similar enough that the ideas can be readily understood. It is language in the same strange way that one perceives an image out of a computer generated picture of dots. Once one understands how to look, they can see what is really there. Of course, some people never catch on. They sit and listen and there is nothing, merely music. Bowdinsky says of them, "that miserable lot still talk about rhythm and tone, all paltry topics really, once you've come to grasp the real meaning, the intrinsic dialogue underlying the music."
For instance Beethovens 5th:
"Oh I can never seem to find my shoes!"
"That's ok they are ugly anyway."
"Give me a break you know you have no taste."
"You say that because you never loved me!"
There have been intense reactions to the discovery of the true meaning of classical music. Many phd's holding top spots in renowned colleges across the country have abandoned their posts in disgust. Says Dr. Ronald Schmutz, "It's unbelievable. I trained my ear for decades to hear the slightest variation in pitch, the subtlest move of the bow across the string, and now all I hear is constant bickering. I'm going into retail."
All the music of Mozart is now reported as unlistenable filth. Pollyanna Grubinkle said, "Mozart's work is one big scandal. I was trying to teach a group class of of seven year olds one of his sonatas and once I slowed it down to show them the technique, all those little faces went white and they scattered, running off to be consoled by their moms."
Interestingly, the only music that is inoffensive across the board is Irish bar music. When asked about the strange phenomenon, Scotty McHelson said, "Aye me bren washy, take yer' brins to the scuttle wit' it!"
While inoffensive, the message is reported widely as 'unclear' and 'indistinct'.
Currently Bowdinsky is working on a formula that will allow dialogue to be heard as the shattering of glass against a hardwood floor.