2009: A Disgrace Odyssey

Funny story written by matwil

Thursday, 4 June 2009

image for 2009: A Disgrace Odyssey
The last of the Labori

[Scene:a space ship near the planet Venus]

'Hal, give me the co-ordinates of our destination.' '10:11, W1, 54N' 'Start trajectory course at once.' 'Trajectory initialised.' 'Italics off.' 'Confirmed.'

'Where are we going, Mr Spark?' 'We are going to meet the leader of the Labori, and his assistant reptiles Hazy and Jaki, on the planet Troff.'

[Strauss waltz music begins]

'And turn that blasted Kraut music off, Spark!' 'Aye, Captain' 'We need something more fitting on the tannoy for our almost-definitely-doomed-from-the-start journey, like Radiohead.'

['No Surprises' starts playing, and soon the star ship 'Lack of Enterprise' is orbiting round the planet Troff]

'How are the engines doing, Scottie?' 'She can handle it.' 'Excellent. Beam us down to this forsaken planet of apes, and let us meet the Labori.'

'Aye, Cap'n', and soon the space travellers are drinking tea in what Captain Berk was to describe later in his log as 'a den of thieves and harlots', or what others call 'Number 10, Downing Street'.

'Mr. Spark, any evidence of intelligent life forms here?' 'Negative, Captain.' 'Bones, pass me an expenses form, I need to claim back the fuel we used on our trip from the Galaxy Fund.'

Then one of the green, slimy Labori came into the room. 'Greetingsss', it hissed, 'have you come about buying a ssseat in the Houssse of Lordsss?' 'No', Captain Berk replied, 'we seek the two monsters rumored to live near here, the Hazy and the Jaki.'

'They have long departed, I had no further ussssse for them.' 'What about a Klark or a Prezza?' 'Gone, alssso.' 'Er, any Tones, or even a Hazza?' 'No. There'sss only me left here.'

'Oh. Well, our mission seems to be doomed, then', as Radiohead started playing again in the background, 'and turn that bloody music off! Scotty', the Captain said into his tin can and string, 'beam us up again, only one repulsive lizard here, no sign of a Hazy or a Jaki.'

'I canna handle it, Cap'n!' 'Why not, you Irish American geek?' 'Becuz mah accent's meltud in thuh heat uf thuh momunt ...'

'Don't let the credits start rolling, Mr. Spark! We've still to have the they-all-lived-happily-ever-after ending!'

'Illogical, Captain, the European Elections are about to wipe out the Labori and us too, if we don't get off this planet', and tragically the credits began rolling, but not before Mr. Spark had used his Vulcan X grip to wipe out the last member of the species Labori

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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