The Secrets of Avoiding Jury Selection

Funny story written by Jalapenoman

Sunday, 25 January 2009

image for The Secrets of Avoiding Jury Selection
Singing "Here Come the Judge" while making masturbation hand motions can work also.

Many people ....(what am I saying!)...Most people hate receiving a jury summons. This generally requires at least one day off work (without pay, of course), downtown traffic and parking, long lines, hurry up and wait, inadequate bathroom facilities, no convenient lunch, losing coins in vending machines, rude and/or overworked employees (city, county, state, or Federal), sitting on unpadded seats in stuffy rooms, and watching/hearing self-important attorneys and judges . Eighty percent of the time, this all ends with you going home without even being selected for a jury (after wasting an entire day that would be better spent watching Jerry Springer).

There are, however, ways where you can quickly get yourself dismissed from jury service and be outta there PDQ (pretty damned quick). This requires, of course, more than just the obvious belching, farting, not wearing deodorant, or providing offensive body odors.

The following are guaranteed to ensure that you do not serve on a jury. Any one on the list should be sufficient in most cases. Two or more may be required in extreme circumstances. It has never been required to use more than four of the strategies listed below.

  • Stand up and scream "God just revealed that the son of a bitch is guilty and will burn in the eternal fires of Hell!" Then, glare at the person while making a cross with your fingers and making up stuff that sounds like scripture.
  • Ask the judge "How long do we have to wait before we get the cash and new BMW's that the defense attorney promised us?"
  • Pick your nose. Show everyone else the boogers and make different shapes with them. Talk to the. Put them in hotwheels cars and drive them up and down on your seat. Flick them at the attorneys when you are done. (Note, this should not be done in the American South as it is a normal event)
  • Stand up and salute everyone that starts speaking. Shout out your name, rank, and serial number. Drop and give 20 pushups if anyone tries to shush you.
  • Ask the judge "Can I be on this lowlife's firing squad too?" Make a pistol with your fingers and pretend to shoot the defendant repeatedly. If that doesn't work, start making machine gun noises.
  • Wear a t-shirt that says "I'm open to jury tampering."
  • (For men only) Stand up and say very loudly, "You guys are lucky to have me because I make this a well-hung jury!" Then start zipping your pants up and down and offering to let everyone see.
  • Lean over and ask the attorneys if they have any naked pictures from the autopsy (even if the case does not involve a dead body). If they don't, tell them that you've got naked pictures of other autopsies if they want to use them, but that they are a little stuck together.
  • Demand to be sequestered with the Judge's fifteen year old daughter and her friends in a hotel room with a hot tub and mirrored ceilings. Tell him that you'd love to show them your "briefs."
  • Hand out buttons to all of the other jurors telling them about the F.I.J.A. (Fully informed Jury Association). Let them know that Jury Nullification can be a blast.

Good luck!

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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