Lindsay Lohan's Lesbian Eatery

Funny story written by Abel Rodriguez

Tuesday, 2 December 2008


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Samantha Ronson (left) and Lindsay Lohan (right) standing in line at the recent Melissa Etheridge concert in Queens, New York

MALIBU BEACH, California - Actress Lindsay Lohan and her girlfriend, Samantha Ronson will be opening a new restaurant in Malibu Beach.

The restaurant which is scheduled to open on January 13, 2009, is called, 'Lindsay Lohan's Lesbian Eatery.' Lindsay was interviewed by CBS's Katie Couric. "So tell me Lindsay why did you decide to open up a restaurant?"

Lindsay replied, "Well Katie I have always wanted to own my own restaurant and so I decided to take the tons of money that I earned from making the movies 'Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen' and 'Herbie: Fully Loaded' and just do it."

Katie asked, "And how did you pick that particular name?" "Well actually my first choice was 'Lohan's Lotsa Choices Diner' but there is already a restaurant in Houston with that name. Then I picked out 'Lindsay's AC-DC Burger Joint' but that name is already taken by a restaurant in Cleveland.

And then one night while my honey 'Samany' and I were lying in bed eating Lucky Charms cereal and watching 'Two and a Half Men' she suggested 'Lindsay Lohan's Lesbian Eatery.' And after checking in the 'United States Registry of Restaurant Names' we were thrilled to find that no one had that name so we took it."

"So tell me about your new restaurant?" Katie asked. And Lindsay said, "Well most of the material for our restaurant was imported from the Greek Island of Lesbos, which is like really appropriate don't you think?

The inside of the restaurant will be decorated by drawings, paintings, sketches, and photographs that have been donated by friends of mine including Ellen DeGeneres, Wanda Sykes, Sandra Bernhard, and Rosie O'Donnell.

On weekends we will have live music. We have signed one of the top bands on the Left Coast. The band is named Muffy & The Lipstick Chix.

They have just put out a cover version of Katy Perry's big hit, 'I Kissed A Girl,' which by the way just happens to be my all-time favorite song followed closely by Engelbert Humperdinck's 'Lesbian Seagull.'

Our waitresses will all be dressed in authentic Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders uniforms complete with the tiny little white spandex short shorts and the cowgirl boots."

Lindsay added, "I am honored and privileged to say that we have attained the services of one of Europe's best chefs, Mister Francois Pierre du Ooh La La. Last year Appetizers Anonymous Magazine named him 'The Best Chef in The Entire Universe.'

I am thrilled to add that one of Mister du Ooh La La's foremost dinner entrees The Two-Spirit Sirloin Steak Flambeau will be one of the items featured on our menu."

"Well, that sounds great" Katie said, "And what will some of the other menu items be?" Lindsay replied, "We will feature a dazzling array of cuisine items including a special entree that was developed in Canada by the Vinaigrette sisters The Quebec Drama Queen Quiche.

We will also have several different styles and types of hamburgers such as The Bull Dyke Burger, The Third-Gender Cheeseburger, and The LGBT HummerBurger.

Other items on the menu will include:

  • Left Coast Fruit Salad
  • AC-DC Hot Dogs
  • Erotic Enchiladas
  • Raging Hormone Corn Dogs
  • Sweet and Sour Sweet Potato Pie
  • Same-Sex Sushi
  • Looks Like A Taco To Me Tacos
  • Orgasmic Onion Rings
  • Two-Way Wieners-On-A-Stick
  • Limp Wristed Tofu
  • French Kissed French Fries

Our house salads will all come with our own special house brand 'The Lindsay Lohan Lesbian Eatery Lesbos Island Salad Dressing.'

We will carry every name brand of American beer as well as imported brands such as Butch Beer from Germany, Lezzie Lager Light from Belguim, Sidesaddle Suds from Scotland, Gray-Area Groin Draft Beer from Norway, Carpet Muncher Delight from Denmark, and Dos Viejas from Mexico."

In other news, The Rolling Stones are finalizing their plans for their 2009 United States tour. The tour will cover 78 cities in 79 days. Mick Jagger told reporters that the tour is being called, "The Okay, So Now What City Are We Performing In Right Now Again Tour."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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