Lindsay Lohan denies she is a Celesbian: "Only my 'girlfriend' is gay, I'm not," says Lohan

Written by Robert W. Armijo

Thursday, 25 September 2008

image for Lindsay Lohan denies she is a Celesbian: "Only my 'girlfriend' is gay, I'm not," says Lohan

Hollywood, California - Apparently, Lindsay Lohan has been sleep walking these past few months while out on the town being photographed by the paparazzi holding hands with gal pal, Samantha Ronson (apparently the only lesbian among the two). Or perhaps, Lohan suffers from short-term memory loss, forgetting that she let herself out of the closet in a radio interview when she confirmed that she is intimate with Ronson.

Either way, despite outing herself, Lohan denies that she is a Celesbian. Leaving many in both the gay and straight communities begging the question, "What kind of sexual relationship does Lohan actually think she is involved in?"

"Only my girlfriend is gay, I'm not," said Lohan on her website. "See, my hair still is long, I still wear makeup and I still like wearing dresses, too. Oh, yeah, I almost forgot. I really, really hate plaid, fat jeans and short fingernails."

"Many in the lesbian community don't regard Lohan as a legitimate lesbian, but rather a 'Celesbian," said Bryn Johnson, a director of a gay/lesbian right group. "We're all more than a little skeptical. You know, since the Anne Heche incident."

"Celesbian" or "Celesbianism" was a term first coined in the gay/lesbian community right after the Anne Heche and Ellen DeGeneres debacle.

As many in the gay/lesbian community questioned Anne Heche's sudden conversion from straight to lesbianism and then back to straight again, seeing it as opportunistic, a means to an end to get her career going.

"I never got it," said a lesbian woman. "Before Anne dated Ellen, she was straight, right? Then, after she met Ellen, Anne suddenly became a lesbian? What's with that? I know it's every lesbian woman's dream to have that kind of power to turn straight woman they like into a lesbian but come on here. Only a few lesbians have that kind of power in real life. And no offence to Ellen, in her case, she is not one of them. Now Angela-Jolie, she is one of them. Not only does she have the power to turn straight women into lesbians, but she can turn gay men straight, too."

However, as critics are quick to point out, Lohan already has a career and does not need to pretend to be a lesbian to boaster it either.

"I don't think Lindsay Lohan is either a lesbian or a 'Celesbian," said Margaret Wineburger, psychologist and expert on the human sexual response. "I believe Lohan is simply confused. Somehow in her mind she has mixed-up the complexity of human sexuality with that of a fashion accessory."

Wineburger says the question the media should be asking is not whether Lohan is a lesbian, as the answer to that question is as obvious as the plain looking girl on her arm.

Winebuger says the media should not be wasting this valuable opportunity on trivial questions, but using it wisely instead to expand society's limited understanding of homosexuality, tossing aside the stereotypes.

Thereby bringing both bent and breeder communities together simply by asking relevant and pertinent questions like who is the boinker, and the one being boinked in the forbidden fruit that is their hot girl-on-girl love affair.

"A simple question like that brings heterosexuals and homosexuals together," said Wineburger. "No matter your sexual orientation, everybody wants to know: Is Lohan on top or the bottom? Is Lohan the pitcher or the catcher? Or is Lohan AC/DC?"

Such questions have universal appeal; bring everyone together, claims Wineburger.

"Beside, we'll all know if this Lohan girls only thing is just a fling by what she has on her arm by this time next year," said Wineburger. "I'll bet it will be a Chihuahua. Until then, lets just all hope the boys in the paparazzi don't fog up their wide-angle lenses while getting clean, tight close-up shots of the eye candy tryst."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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