George W Bush is visiting Britain today, and here is his planned schedule at Windsor Castle:
14:00 Bush's car arrives at the castle
14:01 Gets out of the car and waves to the press, before slipping on some grass and falling over
14:04 Meets the Queen and shakes her hand, and pats her on the back, saying 'How's it goin' Liz? Hope we ain't havin' them dogs for lunch!'
14:15 At lunch does his Ronnie Reagan impersonation, to much laughter, shouting 'Let's bomb Iraq!'
14:45 Has after-lunch drinks
15:45 Still having after-lunch drinks
16:00 Collides with a suit of armour on the way out of the dining room, needs first aid on his forehead
16:10 Shakes hands with a courtier, saying 'Hi King Phillip, got any decent coke in this place?'
16:15 Tells the Queen a few jokes about IRA bombs and Oliver Cromwell, causing her to laugh
16:20 On the crocquet lawn tries to use a mallet as a fairway wood, and sends the ball through a Castle window
16:30 Makes speech to the press: 'My fellow Britvicans, it is an honor to visit this big bouncy castle, and to remeet the Queen of Hearts again. Britain and Armagnacia have a historic friendship, a friendship that's sailing to Belfast when the tide turns, and we'll find those mass destruction weapons there. Your Majesty, I jest not, verily, thy former subjects are now republicans, we'd like you back as much as we'd like Saddam Hussein back, and that is our pledge and promising promise.'
16:37 Interpreters manage to translate the speech for the Queen
16:45 Sees anti-war demonstrators at the gates and asks if there's a war going on somewhere, is not amused when Prince Phillip says 'Yes, in Berkshire, ya ninny!'
17:00 Borrows a Nintendo Playboy from a child, and sits playing games on it
17:30 Has more tea with the Queen, saying 'And you really drink this crap for fun? Man, it stinks!'
18:00 Goes to the toilet and loses his way, found wandering around the gardens talking to himself
18:10 Is taken to the car by his wife Laura, who is clearly not amused, and neither is the Queen
18:11 Falls asleep in the car
