American President George W Bush today did a day's work, the first in his short and uneventful life, as he usually just sits around watching sports on TV and drinking Jack Daniels with ice. Of course, he occasionally reads a speech on an autocue, but this day was different, and it started at 7 a.m.
First of all he had to make his own breakfast, and after a struggle to open a packet of waffles he set fire to the kitchen curtains, and had to put it out with a fire extinguisher.
After throwing the burnt food away, he sat and ate a bowl of Cheerios that his dog had half-eaten the night before, and then he tried to make some coffee, but gave up after he couldn't work out how to switch the machine on.
As he arrived at the White House, he got lost in the building and had to be shown the way to the Oval Office by a security guard. Once there, he spent an hour putting golf balls into a whiskey glass, then had to answer the phone. 'Hello?', he said, 'George here.' 'It's Barack Obama', came from the other end, 'I'd like a word with you if you please, Mr President.' 'Bill isn't here', George answered, 'but there's a guy next door who has a map of Clintonville, wanna talk to him?'
'No, I want to talk with you. I'd like to question your recent handling of the budget deficit, that has surely been underestimated, if not mismanaged, by your administration.'
'Well', the President replied, 'let me see. The budgie is not illlicit, and I never use long words like misunderestimated if I can help it. Fancy a round of golf tomorrow, Hillary?'
'No, Mr Bush, I wish to discuss America's financial position, one day soon I may be leading this fine country.'
'Heck! If I can lead it, any clown can! Jimmy Carter, that Reagan actor, even Johnny Kennerty, must've been scrapin' the barrel to have that grinning idiot!'
'All I want is a firm answer, Mr President, will the deficit be cut or raised?'
'Don't ask me, man, I folded years ago, so ante up, a new deal's a good idea.'
Mr Obama hung up in despair and the President went back to his putting, but then had another call, from actress Sharon Stone. 'Hey George', she said, 'I've got a great idea! Why not blame the weather for everything you've messed up? Then the Democrats will really be in trouble!' 'Thanks Ariel Sharon', he replied, 'I'll get Laura on to it as soon as I've sobered up. Man, this sour mash is good! What happens if I press that big red button next to the door? Does it set off lots of fireworks?'