How Mike Love Stole The Beach Boys

Funny story written by Doug Burrell

Thursday, 3 May 2007

With deepest apologies to the great Dr. Suess, this is my take on how Mike Love has stolen the legacy of The Beach Boys and Brian Wilson and turned it into a farce.

How Mike Love Stole the Beach Boys

Every Wilson
Down in Wilson-ville
Liked to harmonize a lot....
But Mike Love,
Who lived just North of Wilson-ville
Did NOT!

Mike Love hated harmony!
He hated it in any season
Now, please don't ask why.
No one quite knows the reason.

It could be his head wasn't screwed on just right.
It could be, perhaps, that his shoes were too tight.
But I think that the most likely reason of all
May have been that he sang through his nasally walls.

Whatever the reason,
His voice or his head,
He hated all harmony, and he wished it was dead.

Staring down from his mansion on Mt. Vernon and Fairway
At the warm lighted windows where the Wilsons would play.
For he knew every Wilson down in Wilson-ville beneath
Was ready for bed and brushing their teeth..

"And they're singing those songs!" he snarled with a sneer.
"Tomorrow I'll fix them! Now, where is my hair!"

Then he growled, thinking of Carl Wilson strumming
"I MUST find some way to stop Denny from drumming!"

Tomorrow, he knew...
All the WIlson-ville clan
Would wake bright and early. And play with their band.

And then! Oh, the noise! Oh, the Noise! Noise! Noise! Noise!
That's one thing he hated! The NOISE! NOISE! NOISE! NOISE!

Then the Wilsons, Brian and all, would sit down at a piano.
And they'd sing harmonies! And they'd sing harmonies!

They would sing "Till I Die", and "Do You Like Worms?"
Which was something that made Mike Love's stomach churn!

They'd do something
He liked least of all!
Every Wilson down in Wilson-ville, the tall and the small,
Would stand close together, with instruments ringing.
They'd stand hand-in-hand. And the Wilsons would start singing!

They'd sing! And they'd sing!

And the more Mike Love thought of this Wilson-Ville-Sing,
The more Mike Love thought, "I must stop this whole thing!
"Why for thirty-nine years I've put up with it now!
"I MUST stop these Wilsons from singing! ..But HOW?"

Then he got an idea!
An awful idea!

"I know just what to do!" Mike Love said with a grin.
And he made a quick call to see if his lawyer was in.
And he chuckled, and clucked, while he was on the phone.
"I'll sue the Wilsons and make the Beach Boys my own!"

"All I need is a stooge..."
Mike Love looked around.
But, off the top of his bald head,
none could be found.

So he thought...
He thought for an hour,
he thought for a day.
He thought for a week,
He thought until May.

And finally it hit him like a glass full of juice
He picked up the phone and called his friend, Bruce.
And he sued all the Wilsons down in Wilson-ville
He sued them for more than three-hundred mil.

He sued them in summer and sued them in fall.
He sued them while they played basketball.
And now Mike Love and Bruce sing the Wilson's old songs.
But one thing is missing, the harmony's gone!

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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