Written by Jill The Shill

Tuesday, 31 October 2006

image for Democrats Avoid the Rush, Concede Mid-Term Elections
Karl Rove Ponders a Response

In an unprecedented move, all Democratic candidates have conceded the election to their respective opponents. Democratic Party Chairman Howard Dean announced the collective concession this morning. Initially believed to be an elaborate Halloween prank, it was quickly determined by mid-morning that all Democratic candidates had indeed thrown in the towel.

"The Republicans are entirely correct. We don't have a plan for Iraq. And after considerable discussion, we've decided it is in the best interest of the country to allow the Republicans to maintain control of both Houses. YEEEEE HAAAAA!" said Dean.

Republicans were first elated at the news, but their exuberance quickly turned to panic.

"Hey, they can't do that! After all the money I spent on this damned election I demand the satisfaction of publicly pummelling my opponent at the polls in front of God and everyone," said Rep. Rob Simmons of Connecticut. However, the president's chief political strategist, Karl Rove, saw a more Machiavellian mechanism at work in the Democrat retreat. "What we are witnessing is a move by the Democrats to saddle the Republicans with the sole responsibility for the rapidly deteriorating situation in Iraq."

"Damn straight!" said Democrat strategist Michael Meehan. "They broke it, they own it." Outlining the mission creep from searching for WMDs, to Democratic reform and finally the War on Terror, Meehan was unapologetic for the mass concessions. "The President has said repeatedly that the Democrats have no plan for victory in Iraq. Well, you know, I guess we don't. We don't have a plan for saving social security, easing the national debt or global warming either. So we figure it best we just sit this one out."

A dazed and confused George Bush was hastily thrust in front of cameras later in the day to praise the Democratic candidates and urge them to exploit their advantage in the polls. Unfortunately, old rhetoric foiled the ruse when Bush accused the Democrats of "cutting and running".

"Yeah, I guess we are", said Democratic candidate for Senate Harold Ford Jr. "I asked myself, 'Do you really want to clean up this freaking mess?' Hell, no! Me, I'm going to the Playboy Club."

The announcement coming just days before the mid-term elections has derailed Republican plans for last minute 'Swiftboating' of the Democrats. When asked to comment, a dejected Vice-President Dick Cheney remarked, "Damn and we paid good money for those ads, too."

Bush advised the Republican candidates to stay the course, reminding them that the Democrats are notorious flip-floppers. "They'll be back," he snickered. House Democrat leader Nancy Pelosi, poised to become Speaker of the House had the Democrats taken the majority, disputed Bush contention. "The President is in error if he thinks we'll be back in time to take the blame. But if he wants to talk about 2008," Pelosi held a mock phone to her ear and mouthed, "Call me."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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