Sharon Stone Flashes 'Mature' Beaver on Film in NYC - Rotting Corpse Gas Kills Several Crew Members, Biggest Evacuation Since 9/11

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Thursday, 25 August 2011


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Ageless actress Sharon Stone has triggered one of the biggest on set disasters in movie history, as a one mile cordon had to be set up around a film set in New York after she recreated the infamous scene from Basic Instinct. An unexplained toxic gas was unleashed after Stone opened her legs leading to the biggest evacuation in New York since 9/11, thousands are still being treated for exposure, whilst more seriously 20 junior members of the crew who had never seen an aged beaver had to be rushed to hospital, five of which later died and the rest of whom are still in critical condition. Obama is visiting the disaster hit area of New York and Mayor Bloomberg has attacked Hollywood for putting his city at risk.

In what could be lifted from an episode of the Twilight Zone, rumours are now circulating about Stone's real age following the incident, with some insinuating that she is the oldest person in Hollywood, linking her back to a vaudeville act in 1890s New York. The film's producers are set to be sued for millions by the families for not preventing Stone from spreading her legs and New York business and residents also want answers.

On the set of her new film Stone decided to entertain the cast during a break and recreated the infamous scene after a dare from the director. However Stone hadn't counted on her being less flexible than when she made Basic Instinct.

According to a runner on the film as Stone went to uncross her legs, she yelped in pain. The cast and crew were all waiting for the money shot and at first thought she was faking an orgasm. After more screams, it was clear something more serious had happened as she shouted 'my hips hurt' and that she couldn't move or close her legs.

Several junior crew members eager to get a closer look, ran towards her to help, but as they got within 10 yards most vomited and collapsed in shock at what they saw. Photos of the close up view are too horrific to be published in family spoof newspaper. The one crew member who was able to talk before passing out, said it was something that should belong in a granny fetish magazine from a bygone era and looked and smelt worse than a rotting corpse. The director ordered the set to be cleared to save anymore casualties as a toxic gas and smell started spreading from her legs. Luckily the other A list cast members are all safe and being treated for shock.

The police arrived and decided the matter was far graver then initially realised, and cleared residents within a one mile radius of the film set due the risk of further casualties due to the gas. However the rest of Manhattan panicked in case situation worsened and many fled the island, still waiting to return. Several ambulance crews collapsed as they tried to get closer as the smell and gas had got worse, but eventually after using protective suits issued by NASA, Stone was loaded on to the stretcher and placed into a sealed container to prevent any more casualties. Thousands of residents will need to be treated for exposure to the toxic chemicals.

People are openly questioning how old Stone actually is, as the advanced aging process down below doesn't match the face and rest of the body. Cosmetic surgeons are equally baffled but say that the beaver area is one of the hardest parts of the body to nip and tuck, especially for someone so old and still alive, if rumours are to be believed. Experts aren't sure who one person can emit such dangerous chemicals from their body, no matter how old they are.

Pictures in the last few hours have surfaced of a women who looks like Stone performing in New York in 1890, and confirms for many insiders in Hollywood the pressure on older actresses to constantly reinvent themselves and hide their real age. But how has someone so old, managed to outlive all her contemporaries, and unnoticed?

But if the rumours are true, then this is the first case of someone still acting who started out before the era of cinema. How did Stone manage to keep this secret for so long? The New York Post, Gawker, Perez Hilton and other gossip sites are in a battle to find people whose ancestors may have worked with the young Stone over 120 years ago.

At the time of going to press, Stone is in an isolation unit but is refusing to answer questions from the media and Hollywood as to her real identity. Surgeons are reluctant to go near her until they can be assured of their safety.

Candlelight vigil is being held outside the hospital where the 15 remaining crew are being treated. The Mayor of Bloomberg has said he is going to sue the Hollywood studios system for putting New York residents at risk. Question are being asked how many other stars are hiding their real age and New York has banned any other older stars visiting or filming in the city until having a full medical.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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