Victoria Beckham Sectioned in a Fashion Hospital - After Trying to Eat Her Family

Funny story written by NerdInBriefs

Saturday, 20 August 2011


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Infamous English footballers wife, Victoria Beckham, known in LA has 'Stick Spice' or 'Cockney Sparrow' has been admitted to America's leading hospital for the fashion industry with a straight jacket designed by DKNY, following a chain of events triggered by hunger rage culminating with an outrageous attack on her family where she tried to eat her new born baby.

Her family and hospital deny any of these allegations but it is widely known that her extreme diet in recent months, where she started to eat her own clothes and old CDs in order to stay thin in competitive Hollywood, has taken its toll on her mental health. Her appearance was so bad that even the Meth Addicts Association of America issued a statement saying that there should be no public sympathy for self indulgent fashion related illness.

The Fashion Hospital has released this statement in conjunction with the family which showbiz commentators have rejected as PR spin to hide the real truth. "Being a high profile fashion visionary, and brand consultant/guardian of David Beckham's image, plus having a new celebrity baby are roles that require superhuman strength. This is on top of her unpaid charitable works as a British cultural ambassador to LA, and fixer, counsellor and stylist to her celebrity friends. Victoria has had very little time to think of the next round of ideas and so needs to take a break from her legions of fans both in the old and new world. Her collection and creative input to the fashion industry and to the LA scene are not at risk. We see it like a vintage garment that needs to be cleaned and spruced up in order to looks its best. Victoria is an asset to the USA and living the LA dream. She will be back soon for the new season but now her family ask that this quiet creative period is respected."

Showbiz TV stations are reporting that there is a mountain of evidence that all has not been well and that this is a big cover-up. Earlier this month Victoria's arm snapped when she tried to hold her new born baby because she was so frail and thin, but the family asked the media to not publicise this until her new fashion collection was due to be launched. It is believed the trauma from this incident has led to a downward spiral in her mental state and also the breaking of the maternal bond that new mothers normally display.

David Beckham, who is too inarticulate to comment, is having another tattoo added to show that he is deeply upset. There are fears how her husband will cope. Brooklyn, the oldest son is now acting as the official spokesperson for the family and has asked if he can stay with Eva Longoria. In the mean time the family have gone on a surfing holiday to Hawaii whilst Victoria looks at white spacious walls and writes her new ideas with crayons.

A clear sign of how unsettled things have been in the last few weeks, the father was photographed hiding in the beaches of Malibu, under the guise of surfing but keeping the children away from their mum whilst she went on her hunger driven rampages in the house. Several maids have gone missing as have neighbourhood cats and dogs; which are now being linked back to Victoria.

Other signs of odd behaviour in recent months have included Victoria being able to sing normally, a bizarre medical condition where someone's genetic faults are temporarily corrected preceding a complete mental breakdown. This also saw the return of her original cockney accent that has meant her American friends have been unable to understand her, leading to the family hiring actor and cockney hero Vinnie Jones as an interpretator.

But it was a scene at restaurant in Malibu earlier this month that has only now surfaced, that shows the exact nature of Victoria's fragile physical and mental health. Victoria was sitting outside on the terrace with her husband when a strong gust came in from the beach and she nearly blew away into the traffic, but was saved from certain death by a quick thinking waiter who grabbed her by her leg. The husband tied down his wife's legs to the chair so it couldn't happen again.

Victoria ear piercing cockney accent troubled and shocked the polite folk of the restaurant who complained why they had let a meth head into such an establishment and that she was turning them off their food. But the diners were not able to understand the shocking things she was saying due to her accent and so didn't realise the severity of what was going on. In her series of rants she demanded burger and chips, something which she hasn't eaten in public since the millennium. In a clear sign of her worsening hallucinations, Victoria was pointing at her new born baby, Harper Seven who she was convinced was her meal. Vinnie Jones cleared the restaurant and warned anyone not to talk to the media, after which the family sedated her so they could finish the meal in peace.

According to psychologists these are all clear behavioural traits of someone who is severely malnourished. Bite marks have been noticed on recent pictures of David, around his legs and seem to match a story that she tried on numerous occasions to eat his leg when he was sleeping. Why David didn't do anything before is probably a sign of misguided loyalty as well as fears this will wreck his career in the US.

Exact details are unknown in the latest incident, but Victoria is believed to have tried to attack her husband with her Manolo Blahnik shoe after her refused to let her put ketchup and mustard on their new baby. The Fashion Hospital were called in after David had enough of his wife's increasingly erratic behaviour and she was then taken away in a jiffy bag as she was too delicate to be strapped to a stretcher.

Sales of her fashion label have rocketed in the last few days, highlighting fears a new trend has been set that eating clothes is the way forward for fashionistas.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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