Bankrupt care home sells off old people

Funny story written by Angus McFiddle

Friday, 5 August 2011

image for Bankrupt care home sells off old people
This old lady available for £150

A care homes company has begun selling off its old people after going into administration.

Northern Cross, which operates 130 care homes around the UK, went into administration this week after failing to raise finance to cover its debts. 1,000 staff were laid off and the homes have been put up for sale.

Administrator Geoffrey Numberwang said he believes the company could be brought out of administration if it sells its biggest asset - the old people who live in the homes.

"These oldies are the biggest drain on the company's resources," said Mr Numberwang, "but many of them are still active and have all their faculties. We hope a Chinese manufacturing company will make an offer for them, or perhaps a political organisation looking for a crowd to wheel out on protest marches.

"Many of them hate blacks and read the Daily Mail so the BNP might like to make an offer for them."

Mr Numberwang has compiled a list of the 12,000 old people and published it on the company's website. Potential buyers can bid in blocks of 100, and the oldies are categorised into five groups.

  • Mobile, active, moans a lot
  • Smells of wee, doolally
  • Wheelchair-bound, eats catfood
  • Forgets to put clothes on
  • May be dead, not sure

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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