OTTAWA, CANADA – – In a bizarre twist that could only unfold in the frosty North, the Royal Canadian Mounted Police (RCMP) announced today that Lady Godiva, the infamous bareback equestrian, was found incoherent and scantily clad in a snowbank near Niagara Falls. Doctors confirmed she had been “avidly goaded”—a curious diagnosis, given that the phrase is an anagram of her name, Lady Godiva. The incident has ignited a cross-border manhunt, inflamed Trump’s cabinet, and drawn polarized reactions from political heavyweights, including a sympathetic Hillary Clinton and a bewildered Joe Biden.
RCMP Captain Dudley Do-Right, sporting a crimson tunic and a grimace, laid out the sordid details at a press conference. “She was asking for it with a name like that,” he declared, sparking gasps. “First, Ms. Godiva was not dressed for horseback riding—at least from the waist up. Second, her name, tattooed on her back, was a red flag for dyslexics. To their twisted minds, ‘Lady Godiva’ reads as ‘Avidly Goaded,’ an open invitation to, well, goad her avidly. Which they did.” Do-Right confirmed a pack of ten dyslexic men, sporting sardonic smiles and goading passersby, was spotted fleeing across the U.S. border near Niagara Falls.
The scandal has sent shockwaves south, where Trump’s cabinet is seizing the moment to turbocharge deportation efforts. In an exclusive interview with The Bareback Bulletin, Secretary of Homeland Security Kristi Noem, Attorney General Pam Bondi, and President Trump himself weighed in, while Hillary Clinton and Joe Biden offered their own takes from the sidelines.
Kristi Noem: “We’re Rounding Up the Goaders!”
Secretary Noem, fresh from a puppy-shooting controversy, was practically giddy. “This Godiva mess proves our borders are a sieve! Dyslexic goaders sneaking in? Unacceptable. We’re deploying F-150s and bloodhounds to hunt these ten weirdos down. If they’re goading Americans, they’re gone—back to Canada, pronto!” Noem confirmed Operation Goad-Stop, a $500 million initiative to deport “any and all goaders, dyslexic or otherwise,” with bonus points for spotting sardonic smiles.
Pam Bondi: “Goaders Are a National Threat!”
Attorney General Bondi, clutching a legal pad scrawled with anagrams, called the incident a wake-up call. “Lady Godiva’s reckless tattoo invited this chaos. ‘Avidly Goaded’? It’s practically a terrorist code! We’re redoubling deportations—Canadians, dyslexics, anyone who looks like they might goad. Our jails are ready, our buses are fueled, and our judges are speed-reading Deportation for Dummies.” Bondi hinted at new legislation banning “anagrammatic names” to prevent future goading triggers.
Trump: “Best Deportations Ever, Believe Me!”
President Trump, sporting a MAGA toque, was electrified. “Lady Godiva, great lady, but bad choices, folks. Half-naked in a snowbank? Not smart. And that tattoo? Terrible branding. But this is why I’m President—I fix messes. We’re deporting faster than you can say ‘Godiva.’ These goaders, they’re losers, sneaking in, smiling sardonically. We’ll send ’em back to Canada with a yuge kick! Tremendous job, Kristi, Pam. Nobody deports like us!” Trump promised a “Goad-Free America” by July 4th.
Hillary Clinton: “Godiva’s a Victim!”
Hillary Clinton, emerging from her Chappaqua book tour, issued a fiery statement on X defending Godiva. “This is textbook victim-blaming! Lady Godiva is a feminist icon, riding free, defying norms. Her tattoo is art, not an invitation. Dyslexic or not, those men are predators, and the RCMP’s ‘she asked for it’ nonsense is disgusting. I stand with Godiva—time for a #NakedButNotGoaded movement!” Clinton’s post, liked 1.2 million times, sparked a flurry of purple-haired protesters chanting outside the Canadian embassy.
Joe Biden: “Where’s the Boobs?”
Former President Joe Biden, reached at a Delaware ice cream parlor, seemed confused by the news. “Lady Godiva? Snowbank? Sounds cold. Where’s the boobs? I mean, uh, news—where’s the news? Anagrams, dyslexics, goading… c’mon, man, that’s a lotta malarkey!” After a long pause, Biden added, “If Trump’s deporting, tell him to deport those creepy smiles first. Now, where’s my chocolate-chocolate chip?” His remarks drew groans on X, with one user quipping, “Sleepy Joe’s lost in the snowbank too.”
Border Bedlam and Backlash
The manhunt for the ten dyslexic goaders has turned Niagara Falls into a circus, with Border Patrol agents quizzing suspects on spelling tests and anagram puzzles. “If they can’t spell ‘Godiva’ backward, they’re toast,” said one agent, twirling handcuffs. Meanwhile, Canadian officials are fuming over Trump’s deportation zeal. “We don’t want these goaders back!” cried Prime Minister Justin Trudeau, adjusting his ski goggles. “They’re America’s problem now!”
On X, the saga is trending, with memes of Godiva on a horse captioned “Avidly Goaded or Just Misread?” and videos of dyslexic suspects goading tourists with taunts like “Rearrange THIS!” Women’s rights groups are rallying behind Godiva, while dyslexic advocacy organizations decry the “goader” stereotype. “Not all dyslexics goad!” read one protest sign.
What’s Next?
As Trump’s cabinet ramps up deportations and Canada scrambles to deflect blame, Lady Godiva remains in hospital, recovering with a heated blanket and a lawyer. Whether her snowbank ordeal will spark stricter border controls, anagram bans, or a Godiva-inspired feminist uprising is anyone’s guess. For now, the U.S.-Canada border bristles with tension, sardonic smiles, and the faint echo of goading in the wind.
