Written by dutch

Friday, 1 April 2011

Simon Cowell has been cloned by X-Factor bosses as they desperately need him in two places at once. An inside source said "Cowell has been asked to judge the UK X-Factor by satellite link and there is a 50% chance that he will refuse."

The television producers have been at their wits end to know how to deal with 'picky' Simon Cowell. He had tersely refused the ITN bosses offer of a free private jet plane to transport him between LA and London.

Cowell has 'dug his heels in' and been as awkward as possible. Hence, the decision to 'clone' Cowell in a covert, secret operation. A make-up girl managed to steel a vial of Cowell's blood when she was giving him a facial. She said that she would need a few drops of his blood to check he didn't have an allergy to the seaweed therapy facial and body wrap. The enterprising girl also took a snip out of Simon's bushy hair when he was reclining on the treatment bed.

The beautician was really a 'mole' hired by ITN bosses who have got the scientist who created Dolly the Sheep to create a Simon Cowell clone who will resemble him in every way.

However, the bosses do not know how to give the clone Simon's knowledge of the pop business and so have arranged for Peter Waterman to 'condition' the cloned Cowell subliminally. Nicole Shitsinger is also going to 'educate' the cloned 'Slimon' about the 'birds and the bees'. She gushed,"We're going to have to fit 45 years of knowledge into the new cloned Cowell's brain and teach him to be an arrogant, brash, big-headed little tyrant."

Morale has picked up in the London headquarters knowing that they are not going to be left 'high and dry'. A cunning twist is that they hope to substitute the Simon clone when he is in this country for a high powered meeting with TV bosses. The replica Simon Cowell which has been styled by madame Tussaud's will resemble the other one in every way; including lines and pin-pricks from botox injections.

The 'cloned' Simon will be wheeled out from a toilet cubicle and the real Simon will be chloroformed and kept prisoner in a basement while his doppelganger will be put on the next flight to LA and Shakira will be there to 'educate' Simon about how men and women 'interact'.

Louis has said, "You will have to 'brainwash' Simon so he forgets all the US X-Factor nonsense and concentrates on the British and Irish X-Factor. We will be able to go back to the good old days." Louis has arranged for Sharon Osbourne to be back on the panel so that she will be able to operate Simon by strings like a ventriloquist's dummy. Sharon has said, "I'm used to controlling Ozzie like a marionette and so this should be a doddle."

Sharon has said that she is glad that she will not have to see Cheryl's smug little face. She has rejoiced in Cheryl's public downfall not getting the US X-Factor job and has said that she 'needed to be taken down a peg or two', and that she has been, "so ecstatically happy since Cheryl and Dermot had a 'double elimination' from the US X-Factor.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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