John Kerry: Shagarific Baby!

Written by Rich Lather

Friday, 13 August 2004

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"Yeah, baby, yeah!"

HOLLYWOOD, Ca -- When Mike Myers called John Kerry and offered him a spot in his next Austin Powers movie, Kerry assumed it was going to be a cameo role. Little did he know that Myers and director Jay Roach had their eyes on Kerry for the lead role. Myers wrote the script for the upcoming movie with Kerry's November win in mind.

In the fourth sequel of a phenomenally successful series, Myers' character, Austin Powers, has decided to pass on the British superagent gauntlet and, following a night of drinking, sex and other debauchery celebrating Kerry's presidential win, Powers breaks the news that he wants John Kerry, President of the United States of America, to don the Powers persona and battle evil.

Kerry was pleased to be selected for the part in which he would be playing himself (more or less), but is understandably concerned that the duties of the office of President might interfere with demands of making a feature film. Teresa Heinz Kerry was ecstatic that her husband was chosen and assured director Jay Roach that her husband will be there "if I have to carry him myself!"

During the press conference, Kerry was dressed in the Austin Powers costume for a quick photoshoot. He seemed quite comfortable striking the familiar poses, and could "yeah, baby, yeah" better than Mike Myers.

Although the script is still up in the air, Myers did tell us that in this episode, the new Austin Powers skillfully gains the trust of Americans, but turns out to be evil. Dr. Evil, formerly played by Myers in the first three films, has been converted and is now working for good. This role reversal should present an interesting twist for Powers buffs and keep the franchise alive for at least another film or two.

Since the role of Dr. Evil will also be played by Kerry, the part of Mini-Me must be cast. John Edwards it the current favorite, assuming he'll be willing to shave his head. Edwards wasn't available for comment, but Teresa Heinz Kerry insisted that he would be happy to assume the role formerly played by Verne Troyer.

We tried to pry more details of the storyline from writer Mike Myers, but he was tightlipped. He did, however, hint that since George W. Bush will have some spare time on his hands next year, they have a special role designed just for him in which he also plays himself. Jay Roach confided that they would like to see George W. play the all-grown-up Scott, Dr. Evil's son. In the first three films, Dr. Evil was the bumbling evil scientist bent on ruling the world and Scott was his intelligent, antagonistic son. Since Dr. Evil has turned good, it only stands to reason that his antagonistic son is now the savant.

Myers says that, with any luck, shooting should start in January 2005 and the film should hit theaters summer of 2006. We asked Roach what happens if Kerry doesn't win the election in November, to which he responded, "Are you kidding? Do you have any idea how much Hollywood has invested in this election? Does the name ‘Michael Moore' mean anything to you?" It seems we have our answer.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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