Kourtney Kardashian Unveils Her Weight-Loss Secrets

Funny story written by Erskin Quint

Wednesday, 12 January 2011


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Milk It, Sister: A Cow Being Milked, Yesterday

12-year old Lobotomy Channel reality star Kourtney Kardashian was keen to show off her incredibly-toned physique as recently as last Wednesday, as she looked absolutely incredible basking in the sun in Miami with her boyfriend Scott "Spotted" Dicksick and their son Knuckles, writes Hugh J'Arce, Celebrity Weight-Loss Correspondent.

The glam-family Kardashian were enjoying a well-earned break after Kourtney's taxing appearance at the Slobbering Idiot's Choice Awards in Beaver, Oklahoma, where she came 52nd in the Unidentified Lard contest. A wax figure of Kourtney's sister, Kwim, won an award for acting which was presented by a man dressed as a turkey.

Beaver was once a fur-trading post in 1879, where desperate men, starved of human culture, used to gather for rough merrymaking and smelly beaver pelts were available for the highest bidder who didn't bother about the smell of the smelly old beaver pelts or the lack of culture and rowdy merrymaking. Beaver is also, more recently, these days in fact, the location of the Annual World Cow Chip Throwing Championship, in which dried cow dung is hurled about for some reason.

At 3ft, Kourtney is the shortest of the Kardashian sisters. She is also now the closest to a broom handle in shape, apart from her breasts and bottom, which stick out. Like the other sister, Kourtney is also a girl, or woman. Kourtney is the only Kardashian sister named Kourtney.

Incredibly, Kourtney is also the only one of the sisters who isn't one of the other sisters.

Kourtney stood in the Miami sunshine and scratched her left buttock as she showed off her breasts and full shapely arse in a revealing cow chip-coloured halterneck bikini. Her full breasts swayed and hung like ripe melons in a fit-to-burst sack and her lovely arse was barely contained within the bursting, burgeoning, bounteous bikini bottoms as she stood or jiggled about provocatively showing off her newly-honed physique and generated lots of money for photographers, journalists and herself.

Kourtney recently revealed all about her wonder weight-loss campaign in an interview with Moron Magazine.

"I love my new body like for sure", she revealed. "They say it takes a year to fully get your body back. It's true like for sure. It took me a year to like for sure fully get my body back, it's true, for sure. To fully get my body back, it like took me a year, truly, for sure. Now I've got my body back, after truly a year, I've got a like new body. Sometimes I get confused and like confuse the guys with the cameras, knowing which body is which, but it's cool. I love both my new old bodies which I got back after a year, truly."

Kourtney revealed that she shed her weight by eating small meals every ten minutes, rather than having one huge meal lasting twenty four hours. "This way I at least get a little sleep every ten minutes rather than like staying awake all the time eating for sure. Since Beaver, too, I now work out by throwing Cow Chips, and my new Beaver, Oklahoma, Cow Chip Diet is the best I ever tried. Who could ever eat big portions of those Cow Chips? They're just like for sure so gross!"

Finally she said she fits in workouts while just doing everyday stuff with her son Knuckles. "When I'm out with Knuckles I like to throw him in the air like a cuddly little medicine ball", she smiled. "Sometimes I even catch him, and that's a double workout, my personal trainer, Hank Shandy told me!"

Kourtney's sister, Kwim, fluctuates in weight between 15st 4lb and 3st 7lb on a regular basis, according to the phases of the Moon and her TV contract. Her wax figure, incredibly, as well as being an award-winning actress, incredibly has the same name as Kwim Kardashian, does not have a brain or lungs and does not fluctuate in weight at all.

Just when you think that you have fathomed the lives of the Kardashian sisters, unpredictable variables come along to mar their predictability. So there are some variables in the lives of the Kardashians that we can't quite predict or fathom just yet. Perhaps that is why they are so popular.

Or perhaps there are other reasons.

We think that there is actually another Kardashian sister that we are supposed to be mentioning here. Another sister Kardashing around Kardashing in on their fame. But we aren't going to bother. They all look the same anyway, and two out of three (or however many there are altogether) isn't bad. In fact, since we mentioned the wax figure, that is three, so there we have it. That wax figure won an award for acting, too, in Beaver, Oklahoma, right? Like for sure.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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