The Return of "The Bachelor" - 30 Pretty Bachelorettes - Well, Okay Maybe Just 27 With 3 Semi-Pretty Ones

Funny story written by Abel Rodriguez

Tuesday, 4 January 2011


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The Bachelor had 30 bachelorettes and only 20 roses. (Photo courtesy of Charlie Sheen).

LOS ANGELES - It's the start of a brand new year and at ABC that means it's time to light up the set of The Bachelor.

This year's lucky bachelor is none other than Brad Womack, who was also the lucky bachelor back in 2007. It seems that back then Brad "The Cad" developed cold feet, cold shoulders, and apparently a cold crotch appliance as he ended up failing to choose between the final two bachelorettes DeAnna Pappas and Jenni Croft.

Womack's 'non-pick' stirred up rumors of his being gay all the way from San Francisco, California to San Juan, Puerto Rico, and San Sebastian, Spain to Sanga Sanga, Philippines.

Bradley, as his best non-gay male friend Tibby Tillerbissy calls him, said that he feels bad about having acted like a spoiled, conceited, self-centered piece of Koala Bear sh*t.

He did point out that he did seek out a therapist who helped him overcome his lack of commitment. Dr. Adolfina Oystercatcher from Cincinnati worked with Womack and actually helped him grow a 'pair.'

So Womack, after begging and pleading with the ABC executives for another chance was finally signed to appear on the 2011 edition of The Bachelor.

The show began with host Chris Harrison welcoming the 30 lively, spirited, and quasi-horny bachelorettes who arrived in an obligatory long line display of limos, legs, and lasciviously lecherous looks.

The 30 pretty girls or actually 27 pretty ones and 3 semi-pretty ones quickly put their best foot forward or in the case of 24-year-old Emily Maynard, a Southern blonde her best upper thigh, way upper thigh forward.

One of the girls, Chantal O'Brien told Brad that she had something from the women of America, Canada, England, and Cambodia. She then proceeded to slap him causing him to yell out like a high school cheerleader during a football game yell routine.

Many of the show's crew members felt that Chantal would certainly be eliminated right away but surprisingly enough she was not.

And Miss Maynard's gam plan apparently worked since she, along with Chantal, was one of the lucky 20 who received a rose at the end of the show.

Another girl who made it was Melissa Schreiber, who is a Boca Raton, Florida waitress and at 31, the oldest of all the bachelorettes. But as Mel says, her birth certificate may say she's 31, but her thighs, tits, and her tush say that she's only 21.

And yet another bachelorette to receive the coveted rose is 29-year-old California cosmetologist Raichel Goodyear who ended up giving Womack an arm wax job. The show's host Chris Harrison wondered what part of his body Raichel would be waxing next week.

And the gal with the shortest name Kim Coons, 25, and an ex-Caroliina Panthers cheerleader received a rose as well. What cinched the rose for Kimmy was no doubt her fabulous splits routine which she performed to Miley Cyrus' "Can't Be Tamed" while wearing only a beach towel on her head. ABC prides itself in stating that they make good use of the 'Blue Dot' cover up feature.

[EDITOR'S NOTE: Darnit! ]

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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