Politically Correct Version of "The Great Escape" To Be Released

Funny story written by Throckmorton Turdblossom

Friday, 5 November 2010

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A kinder, friendlier, Red Cross parcel

American, British, and German film studios are working together to complete production of a remake of "The Great Escape." The new movie is expected to be in theatres in early 2011 and has been dubbed "The Politically Correct Version." The film is directed by Bill Maher.

The original movie, released in 1963 and based on actual events in Luft Stalag III, has been dubbed hateful for its portrayal of Germans and Germany and its dedication to "The Fifty" (men who were murdered after escape rather than being returned to the P.O.W. Camp). The new movie will instead be dedicated to Pope Benedict, for "displaying that a former Hitler Youth can become a figure of religious reverence."

Other changes to the movie and Paul Brickhill book will include:

Captain Hilts, played by Steve McQueen in the original and called "The Cooler King," will have a different nickname (the studio has chosen to keep this a secret until the movie's release). For his multiple escapes, he will no longer be sent to "The Cooler." Instead, he will be sent to time-out to consider the error of his ways. Instead of having a baseball and mitt (which symbolize the superiority of athletes and unhealthy spirit of competition), he will have a Leap Frog Learning Center.

Archie Ives, who was known as "The Mole," will also lose that nickname as "it is belittling and non-complimentary and may have led to his unfortunate suicide in the first film." He will, instead, be called "Dig Dug" as "everyone remembers that early videogame with fondness and a happy feeling about themselves and their accomplishments."

German guards will no longer be referred to as guards and will no longer carry rifles. Instead, they will be called "concierge officers" and will be responsible for seeing to the happiness and well being of their "invited guests" (not prisoners or P.O.W.s).

The film will also not take place during the Second World War. Instead, it will occur during the "International Peace Festival Invitational."

The three escape tunnels (Tom, Dick, and Harry in the original) will become "an underground system of pneumatic tubes for delivery of food to the guest quarters." They will be called "Love, Peace, and Flowers."

Instead of brewing liquor in a homemade still for a 4th of July celebration, non-alcoholic beer will be provided by the Concierge Officers for an Earth Day Celebration.

After release of this film, the studios will begin work (with cooperation of a Japanese film company) on a remake of another classic. "Bridge on the River Kwai" will be remade as "Bridge Building: Release of Racial and Cultural Tensions Through Working Together."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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