Squirrel Holler County Community College, serving the greater Hog Jaw, Arkansas area, has just named a dog as the school valedictorian. This is the first time the school has named an animal to the position since Buttercup the horse got special points for being ridden by John Wayne in a scene from True Grit.
"She learned her lessons real good," said Dean of Students Cletus Bumwarmer. "Abbie learned to fetch, sit, stay, leave it, lay down, come, shake, and roll over. Some of our students can't learn most of those, though the blonde girls generally don't have a problem with come."
Abbie Gayle, the school valedictorian, did not have any comments for this publication. When asked what she though of her achievement, she leaned over and begin licking her butt.
The dog, who is currently living in the home of Philosophy Professor Throckmorton P. Turdblossom, was found abandoned on the campus. Said Turdblossom, "one night, my wife found her tied up in front of the library. She went inside, figuring the owner was there, but no one was there and neither of the books had been checked out."
Besides dog obedience training, Abbie Gayle has also taken classes in hunting, fishing, women's studies, and multiculturalism. She is graduating with an associates degree and a 2.9 grade average. Turdblossom said that "She mighta had a better g.p.a, but she kept eating her papers instead of turning them in. It's the first time I have had a student tell me that they ate their own homework."
Lucille Mavis Jacobs, the saludatorian, was upset about her second place finish to a dog. "Abbie Gayle's nice and all and lets me scratch her ears, but she took classes nowhere near as hard as my auto body and front end repair. I also had a perfect score in rural spirits distillery operations and marketing, but I guess that don't count compared to the ability to give yourownself a tongue bath on your privates."
In a related story, J.B. down at the grocery store said that he had two volumes of Funk and Wagnell's encyclopedias that were not sold in his summer promotion. He is donating "B" and "P" to the school library, doubling it's size and broadening the scope to include something besides Dr. Seuss.