Following in the footsteps of Oprah, the TV hostess with the mostess, and fast-fattening former tennis ace Andre Agassi, Elton John is to open a school.
The school will be for old gay men and will be called 'School for Old Gay Men'.
The first school will be in LA, but during the course of 2011 more schools will open on the islands of Las Palmas (Spanish) and Mykonos (Greece), in Sydney (Australia) and Cape Town (South Africa), all places where there are large gay communities.
The schools' curriculum will fall into two categories.
Cat.1 will concentrate on gays who want to be more masculine, whereas Cat. 2 will focus on gays who want to be more feminine.
A Cat.1 scholar will accordingly be taught the following:
How to get out of washing up after dinner.
How to get out of mowing the lawn.
How to get out of walking the poodle.
How to refuse nicely when his partner asks him to pay the $4.99 for a Mexican sex-change operation.
How to say nicely, "Not tonight darling, I have a headache."
Whereas A Cat. 2 scholar will be taught the following:
How to ask his partner nicely to pay for the $4.99 Mexican sex-change operation.
How to insist on his partner doing the washing up after dinner, mow the lawn and walk not only the poodle but also the pet parrot who is inclined to shout out "Who's gay? Not me. I dig the birds!"
How to say nicely, "No, tonight it is or I will go and sleep with Henry!"
How to be in a very bad mood once a month.
Elton's spokesperson (or rather his spokesgay) told our reporter that they have already had two inquiries from potential scholars.
One is a fat, bald, 'ruling' European prince, betrothed to a South African hermaphrodite athlete to whom he has already given $4.99, but for a Mexican boob job.
The other is a famous Hollywood actor who wanted to know whether he could get a rebate if he were to bring his own coffee.
