Written by Fergus McCarthy

Tuesday, 7 September 2010

image for Noel Gallagher pays 25 million Euro for Irelands iconic rock venue, Slane Castle.

Noel Gallagher has paid a reported 25 million Euro for Slane Castle in Ireland's County Meath.

Set in the middle of a 1,500 acre estate surrounded by stunningly beautiful valleys and woodlands on the banks of the River Boyne, Slane Castle lies only 30 minutes from Dublin Airport or a mere 10 minutes by private helicopter.

Slane Castle is one of the worlds most famous live music venues and has, over the past 25 years played host to some of the biggest names in rock and pop, from Queen to Gallagher's Oasis, the Rolling stones, Madonna, Robbie Williams, Bruce Springsteen, and of course U2.

Noel Gallagher has relatives in the area and has dreamt about buying a fairytale castle ever since he was a boy watching Saturday morning reruns of Ivanhoe in wet and windy Manchester.

"I like castles, I've always liked castles, I even liked Roy Castle on record breakers and now I've got one of me own I'm going to make full use of it.

"I'll be keeping the Slane concerts going because it's a geat place to perform, every year it'll be me, Paul Weller, Morrisey and me Uncle Jimmy as support acts and probably The Rolling stones or the Who as the main gig.

"Robbie Williams can fuck right off, Slane is closed to the likes of him and Take that, Madonna too, who wants to pay a hundred quid to see their granny lapdancing in a leopard skin leotard miming to a backing track?

"This place has it's own nightclub too which should come in handy, I'm not sure if it has a dungeon though, I'll have to check that and maybe get one built. I can invite Phil Collins and Westlife and Kylie and that knobhead Ronan Cheating over for the house warming party and lock the bastards up in it never to be seen again. That should earn me a place in the rock and roll hall of fame or at least an award for services to music or summat.

"If our Liam ever visits I'll pour oil on him from the top of the main gate, I'll have to keep a big pot of it on the boil at all times, it'll cost a few bob in gas bottles but it'd be worth it just to see him dance around the place like Bez on a bad day instead of his usual monkey boy walk like he's just crapped his pants.

"I'm not bitter... But I can be twisted"

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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Topics: Noel Gallagher

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