As Wayne Rooney prepares with his England team-mates ahead of this evening's Euro 2012 qualifier against Switzerland, he will no doubt be relieved to hear that wife Coleen has announced, that she is prepared to 'forgive and forget' her husband's recent confession regarding his regular use of prostitutes for sex.
'It's all been a big misunderstanding', said Coleen earlier today. 'Wayne has texted me from Switzerland and explained everything'.
It would appear that Wayne Rooney has struggled for years to overcome his sexual inadequacies. Equipped with, what is known in medical circles, as a 'micro-cock', Rooney has suffered scorn and ridicule from an early age.
In the 'macho' world of the premiership,this ridicule continued anew, with Ashley Cole famously remarking on one occassion in the changing rooms, that he'd encountered bigger clitorises!
The constant derision caused Rooney to experience erectile dysfunction, which apparently was not helped by comments from Coleen of, 'are you in yet love?' and when Wayne did get going, sexual pleasure was often spoilt by premature ejaculation.
Unsurprisingly, this lack of performance in the bedroom, soon manifested itself in a similar lack of performance on the pitch.
Rooney decided that the only way to overcome these problems was to undergo a period of intensive sexual training. For the good of his marriage and his family he entered into a rigorous schedule, a veritable 'shag-fest'.
'It was a dirty job, but it had to be done'. confirmed Wayne.
So there we have it. Wayne Rooney, doting husband and father, endured months of tortuous sex-sessions with a variety of local slappers, simply so that he could be a better lover for wife, Coleen. And what was meant to be a wonderful surprise has been ruined because one of the whores in question went running to the press.
The question that we'll all be asking is, has it worked? Is Rooney a better lover with a bigger cock?
'No, bless him', replied Coleen. 'It's still a bit of a weener, but I can always finish myself off with a dildo when he drops off to sleep, just like before'.