TARZANA, California - Mel Gibson sat at an out of the way Jack-in-The-Box, in Tarzana seeking some much-needed relief from the constant horde of paparazzi that had been following him around lately.
As he sat at a back table eating an Ultimate Cheeseburger he spoke to a little blue-haired old lady named Fauna Beth Applewax, 88.
"Nice day out innit?" He casually and politely asked in an Aussie accent.
The little blue-haired lady put down her Sourdough Grilled Chicken Club Sandwich and remarked, "I recognize you. You're that damn friggin' YouTube screamer who beat his girlfriend Okra (Oksana) with a piano, bit her pit bull, and chopped down all of her tomato plants."
Gibson shook his head and said that she must have him confused with somebody else, maybe Charlie Sheen, Jesse James, or perhaps that half-black boy golfer Tiger Woods.
Mrs. Applewax yelled out, "Nope. I recognize the effen smug look on you Australian outback face. It's you. And you are nothing but a low-life, bottom feeding, skunk-in-the-grass."
Mel looked at her. He reached over and he stuck his finger in her Diet Coke. He then took the salt shaker, opened the cap, and poured all of the salt onto her club sandwich.
Gibson then took the cap off of the pepper shaker and poured the entire contents on top of her blue-haired head.
The little old lady screamed. Gibson told her to shut the eff up or else he would call the manager and have her wrinkled, old, cellulite covered ass thrown out onto the parking lot for disturbing the peace.
The old woman got up to leave. And as she got to the door she turned around and said. "I was wrong. I thought you was that no good piece of kangaroo shit Mel "From Hell" Gibson. But I apologize. I recognize you now. You're that sarcastically arrogant, Nazi-worshipping, crybaby bastard Glenn Beck."
SIDENOTE: After the blue-haired old lady left, the manager walked over to Gibson and asked him if everything was alright. He nodded that it was and that just as long as little, wrinkled, blue-haired, old bitches like the one that just left think that he is really Glenn Beck things will be fine. The manager, Auburn Applewax, leaned down towards Gibson and apologized for the way his mother had talked to him. Gibson and Applewax looked at each other and started laughing so hard that they both fell down on the floor, but not in a gay way.
[EDITOR'S NOTE: I called up Mel Gibson and I asked him if the media has eased up on him. He heaved a sigh of relief and replied, "Oh yes. Thanks to all of the publicity that American Idol has been receiving due to them firing that DeGeneres lesbianite and that hormonal hussy DioGuardi, the effen spotlight has finally been taken off of me."]