There was startling news in the Cheryl Cole Malaria case this morning, when a slack-jawed associate of the singer revealed that, rather than a case of malaria, Chezza is, in fact, suffering with a rampant dose of gonorrhea.
The source, who wished to remain nameless, told me that the 'malaria story' had been dreamed up by Cole's boyfriend Derek Hough, on the basis that, had her fans discovered that she had the clap, her job on the X-Factor might have been affected. Malaria, however, could only attract sympathy.
Cole, it now emerges, may have contracted the sexually-transmitted illness from countless local tribesmen whom she encountered during her 'jungle jape' in Tanzania.
We tracked down one of these tribesmen, local chief Will.I.Am Umbongo of the Peabody Tribe on the Serengeti plain. He told us:
"Yeah, I 'bit' her good, maan! She came to check the wildebeest. She sho' as fuck checked my 'wildebeest', y'dig? Shiiiiiiiit!"
Other chiefs are understood to have been visited during Cole's safaris, and, being from Newcastle, it will have been in the singer's friendly nature to socialise with them in the way that only Geordies know how - to shag them.
So, there you have it. Not malaria. VD.
As Skoob says - more as we get it.
