HOLLYWOOD - This week's American Idol mentor was Harry Connick, Jr. (ah who the heck was Harry Connick, Senior???).
Connick [pronounced: JOKE-ster] sounds like Frank Sinatra when he sings, he looks like ex-Dallas Cowboys quarterback Troy Aikman, and he resembles Wolf Blitzer when he is trying to make a joke.
Right away Harry criticized Randy Jackson's horrendously awful size XXXL fluorescent orange pullover shirt. Harry asked if he had bought it at the Halloween store in La Habra.
Jackson replied by saying "No honky, actually I had your mother sew it for me."
Ellen (DeGeneres) broke out laughing and nearly swallowed the Tootsie Roll Pop she was sucking on.
Kara (DioGuardi) giggled so hard she said she almost peed in her pants.
And Simon Cowell looked at Kara and told her that the restraining order sure has succeeded in making her keep her blithering flirtatious hands to herself.
Ryan remarked that he had noticed that as well. Kara pointed at Seacrest and told him that he could kiss her (blank) but then she remembered that Ryan does not really like to kiss female (blanks).
Ellen, meanwhile asked Kara that she was available. Kara replied, "Yuck" and she stood up and went and sat on Randy "The Black Dawg's" lap. She quickly stood up when the "BD" reached up and began playing patty cake with her tata's.
Ellen looked over at Randy with a look of jealousy that only a hardcore lesbian could appreciate. DeGeneres told Kara that her and Randy "Scum Dawg" Jackson and Harry "Hair From Hell" Connick the Second, all hail from the great bayou, Cajun, Creole, mosquito-infested state of Louisiana, which was named after Louis Armstrong, who once owned 60 percent of the Gator State.
Cowell leaned forward and stated that he is seriously considering buying Wales, Greenland, and most of Ireland.
The song theme was Frank Sinatra tunes. And the five remaining Idol contestants, actually five and a half because Big Mike Lynche is one big son-of-gun were all dressed really nice in tuxedos.
The material that that was used to make Ruben Studdard's tux, I mean Mike Lynche's tux, could have completely covered about 45 regular sized sofas.
Crystal "Mama Sox" Bowersox looked kind of weird in her manly tux, and confessed to Ryan Seacrest that she felt like a female transvestite.
Randy, Kara, and Simon laughed. Ellen stood up and gave her a standing ovation on the amazing butchesque look. She told her that after the show she wanted to talk to her about possibly purchasing the complete outfit from her, including the watch fob, the boxer shorts, and the crotch stuffing.
Little 17-year-old Aaron Kelly resembled the little groom figurine that goes on top of wedding cakes, except with hair, no socks, and a pimple.
Casey "Kara's Cowboy Toy" James (no relation to Jesse) looked like he was totally uncomfortable. Many really felt that he should have worn shoes instead of his 'branding time' scuffed up boots.
Cowell replied that he had never in his life seen a tuxedo worn with chuck wagon chaps.
Ellen smiled and remarked that he kind of looked like Clint Eastwood, except taller, more conceited, and kind of about 70 percent more gayish looking.
Seacrest grinned like a kid in a candy store and asked Casey if he could touch his lasso.
Lady Gaga performed, or I guess it was Lady Gaga. If it was her no one could really tell because she was dressed in enough fishnet material to catch about 3,000 tuna fish.
The Los Angeles fog came in and that did not help the situation. After she had finished performing, Simon looked at her and replied, "If I can be honest, you look like a bloomin' bloody Iraqi street walking hussy."
Lady Gaga moved her fish netting enough to reveal her fish netted lips and said, "Mr. Cowell, you are just jealous because my dip stick is bigger than your willy."
Kara ran up on stage and she gave the Gaga Lady a high five. Seacrest told her to get her New York City ass off the stage because he was getting ready to dim the lights. "Go for it Skippy Poo" she remarked.
Big Mike Lynche and Little Aaron Kelly were in the bottom two. Ryan opened the envelope and said, "And the American Idol contestant who is going back to high school tonight is...Little Aaron. And now Aaron here's the mic and sing your little high school heart out."
Ryan handed Aaron the microphone. Aaron took it and handed it right back to Ryan and remarked, "Hey Seacrest, you sing dude. Right now, I'm kind of...let me see what's the word?...Ah yes, DEVASTATED! Yeah Ryan you little swishing bitch. You sing!"
[AND THE CLOSING CREDITS STARTED TO ROLL]
