Simon Cowell has sold the exclusive rights to his wedding to world-class reporter, Donnie Dogmeat.
The "Britain Agrees I've Got No Talent" judge will marry childhood sweetheat Pete Waterman in a lavish ceremony at The O2 Arena in June.
Donnie Dogmeat successfully negotiated a deal to exclusively cover the celebrity-laden event and can reveal that Cowell will wear an elaborate wedding gown and ornate Dutch cap designed for the occasion by Damien Hirst and his brother Geoff.
Cowell told entertainments editor Ethel Worth-Reading that he will walk down the aisle with Ant and Dec as his two maids of honour.
Other celebrity guests invited to the wedding will include Louis Walsh, Cheryl Cole, Lord Lucan, Roy Rogers, Clodagh Rogers, Ted Rogers, Ginger Rogers, Ginger Spice and Cowell's public-school fag, Ginger Nutts. HRH Sarah "Ginger Bush" Ferguson is sadly unable to attend as the event clashes with the Weightwatchers Annual Conference.
Following the ceremony, guests will be served whelks and winkles from a barrow run by lovable East-ender Sir Alan Sugarbabe.
Entertainment will include all-in wrestling with Cheryl and Ashley Cole, celebrity grovelling led by Piers Morgan and a a guest appearance by Chas and Dave performing a medley of their hit.
Cowell's former fiance, Susan Boyle, is reported to have ageed to act as best man.