'Wanna Be' Hilton Versus 'Has Been' Lohan Fight Scheduled

Funny story written by P.M. Wortham

Monday, 26 April 2010

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The Chick Fight of the Century

Somehow it's a slow news day when we're talking about Perez Hilton and Lindsay Lohan in the same sentence, but the weekend internet and press fight between the two has escalated into a commitment to face each other in the boxing ring.

Accusations and escalations from Hilton about Lohan's sister and Lindsay's drug related past were answered with photos and jabs about Hilton's weight and personal lifestyle choices. The "Tweet Fight" continued when both "stars", if you can call them that, agreed to face off in a girl-on-girl kickboxing event at Madison Square Garden in New York.

Perez' fashion consultant and personal trainer, Jack Mahoffer, thinks Lohan doesn't stand a chance. "My girl is going to kick that girl's cellulite butt". Lohan's personal assistant disagrees. "Lindsay will tear that pretty boy's face off. Have you seen her when she is hacked off AND sober? I don't want to be in the ring with her", says Constance Denyal.

While the event is planned for Late Summer 2010, the hype has started in earnest. Even the fashion industry has gotten on board.

"Lindsay will be wearing a classic two piece, classic black, work out combo from Donna Karan", says Denyal. "Perez will be wearing pink sequined shorts from Betsy Johnson and a yellow tank top from Bebe", says Mahoffer.

The event is being billed as the "Scratch and Claw Fight of the Century".

Michael Buffer has been recruited to call the event and is reportedly practicing his new tag line. "LET'S GET READY TO CAT FIGHT", which he quickly trademarked.

Vegas odds were quickly posted for the event, calling for a significant edge to Ms. Lohan. "She's more of a man anyway", says one odds maker. "She will kick his pudgy derriere".

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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