DUBAI - Mrs. Eldrick Tont Woods, better known these days as Elin Nordegren was vacationing in Dubai, India when she was asked about the status of her marriage to Tiger "Dick With Feet" Woods.
Nordegren grinned and stated that she has finally decided that Tiger is toast and she plans to go ahead and file for divorce and receive half of Tiggy's $800 million.
Elin said that she decided to end the marriage because she told Tiger that she wanted for him to take at least one year off before he hit the golf course.
She said that Tiger arrogantly told her that he had to start playing golf to help him keep his mind of the easy blonde crotch cookies that he knows he would be thinking about if he was just sitting at home watching reruns of Gilligan's Island.
Nordegren says that she had already made it perfectly clear to Mr. GolfGate that there was no way in the world that she would ever again allow him to stick his putter into her lovely yum yum (wim wam).
He told her that he promised that if she would allow him to in fact stick his putter into her yum yum that he would pay her $1,000 each time he poked (effed) her.
Elin started laughing and told him she had a much better idea. Tiger listened intently as Elin said, "Okay Peter Pecker, how about I not let you come anywhere near my wonderful blonde pleasant valley with your universal winky wonk and you pay me $400 million?"
[COUGH, COUGH, COUGH]
Tiger cleared his throat and said that he would agree to pay her $100 million and she could have the kids, the Orlando mansion, the wrecked black Cadillac Escalade SUV, and his Kentucky racehorse Lady Hole-In-One.
Elin laughed. She told him that she would take $400 million, and he could keep his racehorse and ride it to his rendezvouses with his dozen or so white skank ho's.
In other news. Rosie O'Donnell has denied the rumor that she would like to bog it to the fabulously good-looking Tammy Etheridge once her divorce from Melissa Etheridge is final.