New Tiger Woods Commercial: Dick-tation

Written by b kenneth mcgee

Tuesday, 13 April 2010


The story you are trying to access may cause offense, may be in poor taste, or may contain subject matter of a graphic nature. This story was written as a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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The new Tiger Woods commercial for a leading sport shoe manufacturer has been leaked to the press.

Tiger is looking directly into the camera. It is a head and shoulders shot. His eyes are soulful and sorrowful. His mouth is set.

At times, his eyes are misty and seem to be looking far away. A deep and resonant voice speaks:

"Tiger, what are you doing? What are you doing to us? I am deeply disappointed in you and you have literally let us both down.

"In the very beginning, when you were just a infant, while others were shaking a rattle, you were shaking me. And remember, our first hole in one together, when the girl came to the door selling Girl Scout Cookies? There was no wah wah then. No, I let everyone down crap.

"When the girl next door came over for a cup of sugar and the wifey and kids were in town, and when you backed the girl up against the fridge and gave her a chip shot, I was doing my best every single minute. Did you ever hear me go, wah wah? No. I stood up like a man. I mean like, man, golf bores me.

"All the walking and the hitting and the slicing and the driving and the club house shit! I never left you. You know why? Because I always knew there would be a nineteenth hole, and a twenty, and a twenty-first.

"But no, not you, one little glitch comes along and you go into rehab! Do you know what that did to me? Talk about pissing in the wind! Well, let me tell you something mister big shot golfer.

"You ever hear of Rip Van Winkle? Well, Bucko, I'll see you in about twenty years, let's see, that makes you about sixty plus.

"And don't go round sticking you hand out, trying to be friends. You're lucky if I wake up to take a leak. Sayonara asshole. And you won't be seeing many of those any longer either."

The voice pauses, and then says, "Tiger?"

Tiger looks up, still soulful and sorrowful, but expectant. The voice continues, "By the way Tiger, you are b-o-r-i-n-g."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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