The whole world celebrated today as it was announced that Kerry Katona is nothing but a figment of everyone's imagination, just like that annoying opera singing c*nt off the Go Compare adverts.
All those tabloid headlines about breakdowns, bankruptcy and brain busting amounts of cocaine were made up by you the reader, and me because I'm writing this. They didn't happen, she was never born and no one will ever have to listen to that Go Compare opera singing cunt ever again.
'It's great we can now wake up from the nightmare and carry on with our lives' said Professor Katie Price, who has spent years disproving the existence of the buxom Atomic Kitten. 'It's been troubling to so many people's lives that Kerry Katona might have been real and breathed the same air but thanks to my scientific work I can now 100% state that there is no such thing as Kerry Katona.'
'I'm also releasing my new single as I want to be a pop star again - It's called Go Compare and has never ever been sung by any fat opera singing cunt.'
Another member of the scientific community, Dr Jordan has backed the professor's comments by confirming the non existence of the woman who was once apparently married to the fattest one out of Westlife.
'There's no way she could have existed' said Jordan. 'Yeah there were some reality TV shows about her but that's TV and TV isn't real. Look at that Most Haunted show with Yvette Fielding for example. The ghosts on there aren't real. They're played by actors in white sheets with holes cut in them for eyes and making funny whooo-ooooo noises. In fact I'd try and end this speech by shoe-horning something about that fat opera singing cunt off the Go Compare adverts into it somewhere but I've run out of ideas'
The non existence of Katona now leaves a gap in the Guinness Book of Records for the woman with the world's biggest natural tits.
Coincidently the world's biggest cunt title has also become vacant. This wasn't held by Katona but was held by that other imaginary figure who has featured in this Spoof....
.....Katie Price of course.