American Idol's Simon Cowell Tells Kara DioGuardi To Please Stop Constantly Rubbing Up Against His Body!

Written by Abel Rodriguez

Monday, 15 March 2010

image for American Idol's Simon Cowell Tells Kara DioGuardi To Please Stop Constantly Rubbing Up Against His Body!
American Idol host Ryan Seacrest took a photo of the money that Simon Cowell offered for Kara to stop touching him.

HOLLYWOOD - American Idol Judge Simon Cowell has put his judge's foot down and said that enough is enough in regards to fellow judge Kara DioGuardi's incessant touching and rubbing of his body in front of millions of TV viewers.

The Britisher known as the Royal Knight of Nastiness has said that at first Kara pawing all over him and salivating like a young California school girl was somewhat cute and actually flattering but now it has become utterly annoying, irritatingly perturbing, and even perseveringly unpleasant.

Simon said that it is all rather ridiculous since DioGuardi is happily married and he himself has just become engaged to marry an ex-Afghani freedom fighter, Mezghan Hussainy.

Cowell proudly boasts that Mezghan is a woman who could turn Kara into an itty bitty, puny, pile of carbohydrates, calories, and fatty tissue in two minutes flat.

He went on to say that the entire nation is talking about Kara's constant rubbing of her body against his. He has said that he is fed up with the media, the press, and Anderson Cooper constantly asking him if he and Kara are having some kind of illicit affair.

Simon, who is not known for his shyness, remarked to CNN's Anderson Cooper, "Now Anderson, if I may be honest, look at me. And then look at Kara. Do you in your wildest dreams think that the little plain woman from New York has a snowball's chance in hell with getting me to like her as anything more than just a fellow singing show judge?"

Cooper grinned and replied "Of course not. Kara is nothing more than a grown up, male-infatuated, hormone-crazed big old girl with major crotch urges that she seems to not be able to control, contain, or suppress."

Anderson then went on to say, "Whereas you Mr. Cowell are the epitome of a true English gentlemen, with your dashing manner, your educated accent, and your impeccable slave to fashion, ah well, let me see Simon old chap. What the heck, two out of three ain't bad."

Simon laughed. And said, "You know what Anderson. I like you. I bloody like you chap. You strike me as being the kinda bloke who gets along well with members of both sexes, and I'm not implying that you are acting gay or in a gayish manner, I'm just saying that you are a stand up guy, or a sit down guy depending on whether you are standing, sitting, or being indifferent at the time.

"Thanks Simon, spoken like a true British subject."

In a related story. Cowell has said that it is interesting that Kara never even once has touched Ellen DeGeneres who sits on her other side. When asked why that is, Simon replied, because I know El's wife Portia, and let me say that the beautiful woman is one insanely jealous-as-hell 'muchacha.'

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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