LOS ANGELES - The latest episode of The Bachelor is the one where the Bachelor gets to visit the families of the remaining girls, which is now down to four.
WELCOME TO NEW YORK: HOME OF "EY WHATCHA LOOKIN' AT?" -
The first stop for Jake on his "Hold On Family I'm Comin' Tour" is New York City, home of the Yankees, the Mets, the Jets, and Gia's family, the Allemands.
Right away Gia's dad asks Texan Jake if he owns any of them big old oil wells. Jakes shakes his head no. The Bachelor is then asked if he owns a ranch. Jakes shakes his head no. Gia's daddy then asks if he at least owns a horse. Jake smiles and says that he does own a Ford Mustang.
Gia's dad shakes his head and asks Jake if he isn't sure that he's not from Oklahoma or maybe even Arkansas.
Jake then decides to turn the tables on Gia's materialistic daddio. He asks if he owns a pizza restaurant. No. How about a high rise apartment in Manhattan. No. Well then surely he has season's tickets to the Yankees games. No again.
Jake then stands up and asks him if he isn't sure that he's not from New Jersey or maybe even Rhode Island.
The Bachelor is asked to leave before a call is made to the red beret-ed Guardian Angels.
Jake and Gia, one of the top tampon models in the nation, kiss on the stoop and TexasBoy leaves.
WELCOME TO MASSACHUSETTS: THE STATE WITH LOTS OF LETTERS -
Pavelka then drives over to Jay Leno's home state of Massachusetts to visit Ali's family, the Fedotowskys, which is Polish for sausage stuffers.
All of Ali's family members are really all into themselves. Mama is cooking in the kitchen, dad is in the garage making a snow blower out of a broken microwave oven, an old computer keyboard, and an old discarded bathing suit that Ali wore three years ago when she ran for Miss Cod Fish Princess.
Ali's twin brothers Biff and Boff are on the house rooftop just hanging out and counting the airplanes that are flying by.
So no one really ever gets to meet Jake and after about 20 minutes of sitting around the living room, with Ali trying to explain that her family has always been very busy he gets up to leave.
As he gets to his car, he grabs Ali from behind and kisses her. The two make-out for about three minutes before Ali says she's cold and has to get in the house to help her mother with dinner.
WELCOME TO OREGON: HAPPILY TURNING LUMBER INTO WOOD 24/7 -
The Bachelor flies out to Newburg, Oregon, to meet Tenley's family, the Molzahns, which is Arabic for okay fess up, who the hell painted 'for sale' on my camel. Pavelka really and truly hopes that they aren't a busy bunch of beavers like Ali's family is.
[EDITOR'S NOTE: Actually the Molzahns are beavers, since the Oregon state animal is, you guessed it, a beaver.]
Jake, never really finds out too much at all about the Molzahns, since the family has all gone to The Happy Lumberjack Amusement Park up in Portland.
The Bachelor is quite disappointed and spends an hour and a half looking through 11 family photo albums so that he can at least get a feel of what the family probably feels like.
He leaves to go and get in his car and Tenley runs after him. She tells him that she has been practicing a dance routine that she choreographed especially for him. It's a paso doble entitled, "Oh Where Oh Where Did I Park My Darn Burro." She whistles the song as she dances.
Jake is impressed because even though she did lose her balance on the oil spots in the driveway twice, she did manage not to slip and she got through the dance.
Jake tells her that the paso doble is so good he can almost smell the fragrance of pinatas, maracas, picante sauce, and fighting bullshit.
He sidesteps the oil spots, grabs Tenley by her size 36C knockers and plants a kiss on her 'boca deliciosa' (delicious mouth).
WELCOME TO FLORIDA: WHERE TO US HURRICANE'S AIN'T SHIT! -
The final stop of Jake's "Hold On Family, I'm Comin' Tour" is The Girardi home in Sanford, Florida, where Countess Vienna the Aggressive resides.
Vi has said that she comes from a long line of criers. Her mother is a crier, her father is a crier, her sister is a crier, and even her cousin Jon is a crier (Cryer).
[EDITOR'S NOTE: I knew that Abel would not be able to resist doing that. He did call me and apologized just before I finished editing his article.]
Since everyone in the Girardi family is crying and it doesn't look like they plan on stopping anytime soon, Vienna decides to take Jake on an air-boat ride out to the Watchafafakanooki Swamp.
The name is derived from the Seminole Indians and means, damn mucked up mucking place where mosquitoes can literally sexually assault a slow-moving alligator without too much of an effort.
After getting his 34th mosquito bite and almost getting his left leg bit off by a wayward alligator with one hell of a bad attitude, Jake writes Vienna a check for $400, so that she can turn the damn air-boat back around and return to civilization.
Although Jake wants to kiss Vienna, he decides not too since he is afraid that if he does, the three mosquito bites that Vienna has on her lips could be infected and he could catch some kind of horrible swampland disease.
WELCOME TO L.A. - HOME OF EARTHQUAKES, SMOG, WILDFIRES, MUDSLIDES, AND CHARLIE "HICCUP" SHEEN -
Jake soon returns back to Los Angeles and civilization, will at least he returns to Los Angeles anyway. Ali calls him and says she needs to talk to him in person.
She meets him at a local IHOP and starts crying even before her stack of blueberry pancakes arrive. Jake asks if she would like to maybe change her order. She smiles and says that it's not the pancakes, or the bad service, or even the fact that his breath smells kind of swampy.
Ali finally gains her composure after taking some kind of purple little tablet. She tells him that the manager of the motel where she works, Amad Fooshabad, has told her that business is booming because the Yearly Massachusetts All-You-Can-Eat For $2 Lobster Fest is in full swing.
Fooshabad has told her that he needs her back right away because the beds don't make themselves, the trash cans don't empty themselves, and the little bitty mini-soaps don't jump up onto the bathroom sink counter by themselves.
He tells her that she has to choose between her job as a motel maid, which has nice hours and some really neat benefits, or being on that cockamamie show where she is kissing a guy who has kissed dozens of other girls not knowing exactly what those lips of theirs have been around. (PLEASE INSERT YOUR OWN IMAGINATIVE THOUGHTS HERE. THANK YOU. - A.R.)
Jake tells Ali he wants her to stay. She cries and says she can't. Jake asks her to repeat what she just said, and this time he asks her to please take her hands out of her mouth so that he can understand her.
Ali takes both of her hands out of her mouth. She looks at Jake and says that he can forget about being the father of her children, or getting a discounted rate at the motel where she works, or of ever again, getting to touch her sweet little joy box and saying things like "Wow!" "Damn, that thing is pretty!" and "Can I take a closeup picture please?"
Jake's eyes get kind of misty. Ali's eyes get kind of watery. And Grover Tiffgolden the director yells "Cut!" and he tells the cameraman Segundo Iglesias that he really needs to put out his damn friggin cigarette before he gets his Panamanian ass fired. Iglesias complies and Tiffgolden yells "Action!"
Ali says she is leaving and going back to The Open Arms and Other Things Wink-Wink Motel in Williamstown.
Jake bows his head. He tells her he understands and he asks her if she could please return the semi-expensive diamond necklace he had given her in one of the earlier shows.
Ali wipes her smoke-filled eyes and says "Nopers."
As she gets up and starts to walk towards the rented limo, Jake shouts out, "Bitch! I wasn't going to choose your sorry ass anyway so there."
Ali stops. She turns around and says, "That's okay pencil d*ck. I've already found someone else to replace you. His name is Josh "Puck Pouncer" St. Croix and he's a professional hockey player."
SIDENOTE: Since Ali left on her own accord, or actually it was a limo, the host of The Bachelor, Chris Harrison did not give out a rose.