ST. LUCIA - This edition of The Bachelor starts off with Jake Pavelka and Gia, the New York City tampon model, strolling around the local market place, known as El Mercado Bobby.
As they walk around, the camera catches Jake on several occasions staring at Gia's feet. After a while Jake says that he has two confessions to make. He confesses that he has a coconut cream pie addiction and a fetish to Gia's designer shoes.
He looks into the camera and mouths the words, "I want to lick all ten of Gia's toes."
I'm sure that literally tens of thousands of viewers turn to each other in their homes and ask each other, "Hey, what the effin' A is wrong with old Jakey boy?"
The couple then begins to dance in the street to music from a local group of strolling island musicians, who call themselves The Beatles. That in it self is really strange as heck because they only play songs by The Rolling Stones, The Who, and The Yardbirds.
The dancers leave a lot to be desired. It is really a good thing that they are not on Dancing With The Stars, because Len, Bruno, and Carrie Ann would have given them three 3's.
Jake goes off to use the men's restroom. He sends a text message to Gia telling her that she has beautiful feet and that her shoes are even more beautiful.
Again, tens of thousands of viewers are now starting to worry about Jake the Snake, who is beginning to turn into Jake the Fake.
The two soon end up in a gigantic bathtub filled with homogenized milk. Gia says that she feels like a milk shake. Jake looks right into the camera and raises his eyebrows and tactfully says that he will drink her without a straw. Thousands of viewers who are having their dinner while watching the show immediately put down their sandwiches, pitas, and burritos.
Next we cut to Jake and Tenley, the lumberjack camp nurse from Oregon. The two board a helicopter and travel to a rain forest. Amazingly there isn't a raindrop anywhere in sight.
Tenley confides to Jake that she hasn't done the 'Wild Thing' with any man since she divorced her husband. Jake looks at the camera and mouths the words, "Yeah right."
Tenley catches him mouthing those words and she tells him that she does not appreciate him making her look like she is some kind of pilgrim piece-of-a*s.
Jake giggles and tells her that she doesn't look nothing like a pilgrim and that if he had to guess, he would wager that she looks more like a 1940s British schoolmarm.
Jake takes his left index finger, licks it, and sticks it in Tenley's right ear. She slaps his finger away and says, "Eeeeeewwwww." You can clearly see that there just is no chemistry at all between Jake and Tenley.
Then we see the vainful Vienna who is hard to truly read, gage, and figure the hell out. She apparently went to the Paris Hilton School of Arrogance. Her and Jake board a pirate ship and Vienna asks if she can fire the cannon.
The shows director Grover Tiffgolden tells her that he will allow her to shoot the cannon but away from the ship. He recalled that two years ago he forgot to mention that to one of the girls and she fired the damn cannon knocking the ships mizzenmast all to hell.
Next Vienna asks if she can sing the popular buccaneer song "Ho Ho Ho And A Bottle Of Rum." Tiffgolden again says yes, and Vienna asks if the song is about three prostitutes and a bottle of rum.
The cameraman Segundo Iglesias nods his head in an affirmative manner.
Sadly, Vienna did not ask to do what probably 9,000 female viewers and about 12,000 male viewers hoped she would do and that is walk the plank.
We fast forward to the rose ceremony. Jake sits around viewing boring videos made by the three girls. Vienna and Tenley get a rose. Gia gets her heart broken.
Gosh, it is so entertaining to see grown women act like boy crazy loons and then after they are not picked, they have to act like that's alright, that's okay, Jake is probably gay anyway.
Gia gets into her limo. She tells the driver that at least she still has her career. "Career?" the driver asks. "Modeling tampons?"
In other news. Arkansas has postponed their yearly State Hog-Calling Contest due to the fact that the 345 pound Castlewood twins, Ethyl and Methyl, who are the favorites to win for the seventh time in a row, are over in Waterloo, Iowa participating in the Corn-on-the-Cob Eating Championship."