The Bachelor Kisses Off Corrie - Sends Her Lips Packing Back To Kissimmee, Florida

Funny story written by Abel Rodriguez

Tuesday, 2 February 2010

image for The Bachelor Kisses Off Corrie - Sends Her Lips Packing Back To Kissimmee, Florida
One of the four roses that Corrie did not receive from Jake the Snake.

SAN FRANCISCO - The Bachelor and his 'Gaggle of Gals' waltzed into the city by the bay, home of the 49ers and Giants.

San Francisco, the town where Tony Bennett left his heart, Barry Bonds left his honesty, and Tiger Woods left his...ah lets see, lets call it his consulting firm.

The first date found Tenley and Jake riding on one of the town's famous trolley cars. And even though, it was not really playing, I could hear the Rice-a-Roni song in the background.

Rice-a-Roni, the San Francisco treat.
It tastes so good, and it's so good to eat.
Rice-a-Roni, the San Francisco treat.

I don't think that's exactly how it went, but I do know that the Rice-a-Roni, the San Francisco Treat part is correct.

Jake took Tenley, who was named after her maternal grandparents Nina Leigh and Elevenell Lee, to Chinatown. Right away Tenley asked Jake to give her some money so that she could buy some firecrackers.

Jake told her that he didn't have any money and he did not want to charge firecrackers on his VISA card. Tenley, who works as a lumberjack nurse in Oregon, got quite sad. After a few moments the Bachelor cameraman, Segundo Iglesias gave Tenley five dollars to buy the firecrackers.

Tenley was so elated she gave Segundo a hug, a French kiss, and she gently grabbed his left hand and softly placed it against her right snuggle pup.

Next the two (Tenley and Jake, not Tenley and Segundo) decided they would swim out to Alcatraz Island. But the director Grover Tiffgolden vetoed that idea due to the water being cold, yucky, and full of sharks.

We next see Mr. Pavelka aka a big kid in a candy store and Gia, the tampon model from New York getting into the corporate Limo. Gia's miniskirt is so short the viewers get a great view of her Oregonian camel toe.

Gia, at 26, is three years older than Tenley, but she really isn't that much more mature, except for the fact that she does know all the vowels and can actually recite them in alphabetical order.

The two drove out to a 13th century vineyard castle called Running Fawn Castle.

[EDITOR'S NOTE: Running Fawn, a Shoshoni Indian maiden was her tribe's official papoose day care center worker. The Indians were having rain dances, buffalo hunts, and war parties in America even before Christopher Columbus was a fetus.]

Gia decided that instead of tasting one or two wines she would taste all the wines the Running Fawn Castle Winery produced. After tasting 27 different wines Jake, Mr. Tiffgolden, and Segundo had to help carry Gia out of the winery and into their waiting Limo.

When Gia finally awoke her first words to Jake were, "Okay you son-of-a-bitch did you take advantage of me when I was passed out drunk?"

Jake stood up and stormed out. As he was leaving, Gia hollered out, "Hey bitch 'nads, I'm taking that as a yes."

Tiffgolden realizing that Gia was still inebriated told Segundo to stop filming Jake and to keep on filming Gia. He later said that it gave him an idea for another reality show.

Grover Tiffgolden, who is a consummate professional, did not want to tip his hat, but he did volunteer that the show will deal with girls who are beautiful, naive, and drunk. He says that the shows tentative name is Girls Who Get Date-Wined.

We next see Ali, the 25-year-old motel maid, and Jake out visiting a downtown gay bar. Of course neither Jake nor Ail are gay but they just decide to walk into The Club Hershey West and see what gay people look like up close.

After they each have a mango Margarita with an umbrella on the side they leave. Outside Ali tells Jake that one of the gay guys asked her if she was a lesbian. Jake laughed and confided that he was asked the same question, but by the bar's security guard.

Next we see Corrie and Jake. The two are out at the AT&T Park, where the San Francisco Giants play. Corrie thinks that it would be fun for them to run around the bases. Jake looks at the camera with the most puzzled, concerned, and bored look he has probably ever given anyone.

They run around the bases one time and then Jake suggests that they get in the Limo and return to the hotel.

Later that night we see Jake in bed all alone. Suddenly in walks Vienna, holding a lantern, a lottery ticket, and a bag of M&M's. She knows that M&M's are Jake's favorite food. He loves those little things even more than he loves T-bone steaks, Corona Light Beer, and Gia's sweater dandies.

The lantern goes out.

Next we see Jake at the rose ceremony. He tells all the girls that it hurts him to have to send one home because they all have such a great personality. TRANSLATION: It's just one more great pair of funbags that he won't be having any more fun with.

He gets a tear in his eye and says that it is the hardest decision that he has ever had to make. TRANSLATION: It's hard alright.

Finally the tray with the four roses is brought out. Gia, Ali, and Tenley each get a rose. TRANSLATION: This trio gets one more week to figure out yet another way to parade their healthy maracas in front of Jake the Snake.

And in the final scene we see Vienna and Corrie standing side by side. Corrie is wearing a dress that looks like it could have been the one that she wore to her high school prom.

Vienna meanwhile is standing there wearing a black lacy see-thru baby doll with matching pair of panties. TRANSLATION: Vienna is basically trying to lure Jake to give her the last rose with a promise of him later on getting a piece of (blank).

Vienna gets the last rose. Corrie is sent back to Kissimmee, Florida where she will be heading over to the unemployment office and try to find a job. TRANSLATION: Damn it all!

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

Comedy spoof news topics
Go to top
readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more