SANTA LUCIA - Well the waiting is finally over. The Bachelor's bachelor Jake Pavelka has picked the woman of his dreams, the girl of his thoughts, the 'just wait till she takes out her she-devil claws' love of his life.
It is amazing how everyone, Jake's mother, his two sister's-in-law, millions of viewers, and even the cameraman and the makeup artist can see exactly what Vienna Girardi is.
Doesn't Jake the Snake understand that none of the other girls on the show liked Vienna. Not even the catering service people, who it is rumored would secretly spit in her hot dogs, ravioli, and ice cream.
Everyone liked Tenley Molzahn. She is the epitome of a nice, sweet, young American woman.
As Louisiana comedian Zydeco Dupree said about Vienna the Vixen, "I don't know man, dat Florida beatch has got da most evil lookin' eyes I have ever laid eyes on. Da woman looks like trouble with a capital T. And da fact dat she has a total of seven tattoos and all of dem are curse words should have told da boy, Jakey, dat da Labrador Retriever will soon turn into one mean ass pit bull."
Vienna is very good at hiding her true bitter and angry personality. The bleached blonde is one mean as hell skank. She shaves her pubic region with a nail file. She puts on her eye shadow with a butter knife, and she makes her own tampons out of rolled up cotton swabs that she holds together with Crazy Glue.
But Jake Pavelka just does not see it. The flyboy does not get it. But he'll find out soon enough when he wakes up one morning and looks down to see that overnight his sweet little Vienna glued his balls to the cat.
Jakey boy, you should have picked Tenley. By the time Vienna gets through verbally and physically using you as a piñata you will be emailing Tenley and begging her to get together with you please please pretty please with a cherry on top.
And hopefully Tenley will have the balls to tell you, "Oh, but I seem to recall you telling me on the boat and then at the hotel deck that there was just nothing there physically. Well now you can just spend your life as that crazy-ass chumpette Vienna's pin cushion you Jon '3 Inch Petered' Gosselin-looking son-of-a-bitch."
In other news. Sylvester Stallone has just announced that he will begin shooting his next Rocky film in late April. The film will be shot on location in Pittsburgh, Seattle, and Barcelona and is titled, 'Rocky 16 - Yo Adrian Ya Seen My Teeth.'