American Idol's New Judge Ellen DeGeneres Speaks Her Mind

Written by Abel Rodriguez

Tuesday, 2 March 2010

image for American Idol's New Judge Ellen DeGeneres Speaks Her Mind
Randy Jackson (second from the right) performing with his band, The Original Jackson Five.

HOLLYWOOD - The new-judge-on-the-block spoke out on her talk show about the 20 remaining American Idol contestants.

Ellen said that as of now, the front runner is Kara's "Cowboy Toy" Casey James. El said that she glanced over at Kara when "CJ" was performing the Bryan Adams tune "Heaven" and she could not see Kara's hands.

DeGeneres said that she looked underneath the judges table and saw where DioGuardi had her hands. The "Blonde Stud" as her wife Portia calls Ellen, did not want to say except to say that it rhymes with 'crotch.'

Ellen commented that another top singer is the dishwater blonde Janis Joplinesque unfeminine Crystal Bauersox.

DeGeneres says that CrySox, as Simon Cowell calls her, really needs to start wearing a little bit of makeup, some womens deodorant, and female underwear.

DeGeneres also added that Crystal needs to lose the harmonica and the silly looking harmonica wire holder because playing three notes on the Hohner ain't gonna get her a thing. El said that Bauersox ain't no Bob Dylan and she sure ain't no Neil Young.

When asked for her opinion on Big Mike Lynche, blondie said that the "Lyncher" needs to learn some humility. She added that he is one step from being Kanye West, except that he is a lot taller, fatter, and with a whole lot less talent, not that West the Pest has any talent mind you.

In regards to one of the favorites Andrew Garcia, Ellen said that Andy needs to start acting like he belongs there instead of acting like he is supposed to be sweeping and mopping up the place.

If Garcia does not start putting a little more pep in his singing he may end up as the Latino version of Sanjaya Malakar or that super annoying Puerto Rican crybaby Tatiana "Eeeeeeee" Del Toro.

Ellen did say that Texas native Lacey Brown definitely has the most beautiful eyes since Martina McBride. Now if she can only start to sing like she wants to keep on sticking around she could be the resident dark horse.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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