Rash of Celebrity's Children Committing Suicide Puts Hollywood Day Cares On Lock-Down

Funny story written by Throckmorton Turdblossom

Saturday, 27 February 2010


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The suicidal one is the kid in purple whose Mom's 5th consecutive pilot got cancelled.

It started with the son of Walter Koenig (Chekov on Star Trek). Next was the son of singer and entertainer Marie Osmond. No one in Hollywood knows who will be the next child of a b-list star to commit suicide due to depression, and the second tier entertainers are scared.

Spokesman for the Hollywood Independent School District, Bill Lamb, said "we've put all of the day care centers and schools on a strict lock down. Anyone whose parents appear as celebrities on game shows or Dancing With The Stars or Celebrity Apprentice is under close scrutiny."

"We're not watching the children of the big stars very much, since they appear to be safe. It's the kids who are driving the used mini-vans or whose clothes are maybe a season out of style that are on our watch list."

"We've also requested lists of actors or actresses who have appeared in three consecutive bombs or who have not been asked to be a celebrity voice on the Simpsons. Children of actors that have not appeared on Letterman or Leno in the past five years are also at risk."

Police admit they were worried when Ricky, the thirteen year old son of Fleagle from The Banana Splits, seemed to be spending too much time in the bathroom. Upon breaking down the door, however, they discovered that he was just beating off with the latest issue of Playboy while smoking a doobie. While Fleagle is relieved that his son is okay, he says that the masturbation pictures circulating on the internet are a family embarrassment.

Caregivers at a local Day Care are also on suicide watch. "We're making sure that none of the little girls have poison tea parties and that the boys games of cops and robbers don't include Russian Roulette."

Las Vegas Oddsmakers are also taking wind of the current suicide trend. Currently, the favorite to commit suicide is "any child whose parent/parents performed on Hollywood Squares." The longshots are currently "children of members of boy bands" (no explanation given).

One possible solution came from the coach of a t-ball team for celebrity children. "Maybe if we give each of these kids a trophy for best actor, like we give each t-ball player a trophy, they'll all feel like champions and won't be depressed and suicidal."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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