Following a dramatic increase in wardrobe deaths, flat-pack furniture giant Ikoa today insisted to a Health and Safety Commission Court Martial that its wardrobes were safe to use, and were unlikely to cause the death of any user hanging up a shirt, a suit, a dress, a pair of trousers or a cardigan.
In normal circumstances.
The court martial was convened after it was revealed that fashion designer ex-icon Alexander McQueen, who would have been 41 on his next birthday was found dead by suicide in a wardrobe. And he's not the only one. Former 'Kung Fu' and 'Death Race 2000' star David Carradine was also found dead in a wardrobe. In Thailand.
Ikoa insisted that its wardrobes were in no way responsible for any deaths that they were aware of, and that the classy flat-pick self assembly units posed no public safety risk providing they were used correctly. They went on to challenge that there is no actual evidence to suggest that the wardrobes in which McQueen and Carridine were found dead were even Ikoa wardrobes.
In relation to a second charge, Ikoa pleaded guilty to providing incomprehensible assembly instructions which could in extreme cases make users want to strike themselves repeatedly in the head with a hammer. The company were fined £1 and ordered to pay £7 million in utterly senseless costs.
Ikoa face a further charge of supplying dangerous door handles such as the one former INXS star Michael Hutchence hanged himself from in an Australian hotel room some time ago.
The case will be heard tomorrow.
More as we get it.